Diatribe

Just what does a bumper do, anyway?

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

Being the hopeless romantic I am, I took my wife to the new iHOP the other day at what used to be a truck stop diner. As I left, my appetite sated from a Seniors Sampler, I happened to notice a Freightliner leaving the facility. The sun was setting in the west (or wherever it goes) and the rays were shining on the truck’s chrome bumper. I was awed by the size of the thing. It looked like it could stop a…a truck! Then I noticed the bumpers on the passenger cars parked around the lot. Other than beginning and ending points to measure overall length, what good are they?

Brake light tap dancing

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour 

Have you ever been driving down the road and all of a sudden you seem to be getting a message in Morse code from the tail light lens of the vehicle you’re following?

Personally, I can’t read Morse code so whatever message is being conveyed is lost on me. It could be a cry for help (in which case they’re in trouble) or it could be someone telling me to turn to an oldies station because they’re playing a Jimmy Dorsey record. The only message I’m interpreting from this is the person in front of me is a two-legged head case.

Servicing your vehicle shouldn't be a guessing game

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour 

My life has generally been filled with wonder…like “I wonder where my Great Grandfather hid the matzah?” or “Where are those hidden Easter eggs?” (Alright…so I hedged my bets.) Or the most important question, “What if we get caught.” But the most consistently unanswered question is, “Where is the hood latch?”

Would you like a seat with that car?

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour    

My family tree does not contain many, if any members who had long — or even normal-length legs. Truth be told, if we were dogs we’d be Welsh Corgis (and my family left the Ukraine in the 19th century for the gold-lined streets of Indiana.) There’s absolutely no reason to short-sheet the front seat of a vehicle by installing bottom cushions whose end catches me at mid-thigh. If it catches me at mid-thigh then it would be a tushy rub for someone with normal-length femurs.

Hey pet hater, your dog is not an airbag

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour      


How many times have you been driving down the street and saw a vehicle coming toward you that looked like it was being driven by a dog? 
No, you’re not high on Red Bull, my friend. You’re looking at an overt abuser of his pet and a danger to every other vehicle on the highway.

Who's behind window number one?

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour      

The other day I was driving down the freeway (does anybody ever drive up the freeway?), singing to myself, “Do do, do do do do…life been good to me.” All of a sudden the BMW in front of me and one lane over starts jinking like a dogfight between an F-4 Phantom and a MiG 21.  Eventually he (or maybe she) must have realized that his (or her) Bimmer was weaving in and out of his (or her) lane because there was a sudden, jerky correction and the BMW stayed where it was.  I made a mental bet with myself that this dumbbell was probably on his (or her) cell phone and didn’t give two hoots to what was going on around him (or her). I also made a mental note to give him (or her) a hand gesture, just in case he (or she) was deaf.

Kids shouldn't need scuba gear to breathe in a car

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour    

There’s plenty of room on my broad behind for things that gripe it, but taking center stage are children riding in vehicles – particularly infants – and the interior looks like they’re smokinghams at Oscar Mayer. This diatribe is not a rant on smoking…have at it. But if there are minors in that car…DON’T SMOKE ‘EM IF YOU GOT 'EM!!!

When it comes to windshield wipers — don't play it again, Sam

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour      

I’ve always been fascinated by windshield wipers. I can’t imagine being without them. I would firmly bet the life of any of you that more people use windshield wipers than they do turn signals.

What we need in this country is cupholder consistency

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour     

Q.)  The greatest automotive innovation is:   a.)  Air Bags;  b.) Disk Brakes ; c.)   Power Steering; d.) Seat Belts; e.)  All of the above; f.) None of the above.
If you answered anything but “F” you’re way-too-obsessed with safety. The greatest device is hands-down, the cupholder.

Are drivers becoming obsolete?

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

Quick quiz: what’s the first thing you couldn’t wait to do on your 16th birthday? Let me rephrase that question. What’s the SECOND thing you couldn’t wait to do on your 16th birthday? In case it’s been so many centuries ago like mine I’ll refresh your memory; get your driver’s license.