Diatribe

Turn that thing down!!!

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour    

Just because I primarily listen to talk radio and/or news programs people assume I’m not a fan of music. Sure I am and always have been. Though I can’t understand one thing that Dr. Dre, Iced T or Busta Rhyms says, it must resonate somewhere because today’s youth are infatuated with the noise they call music. Far from being an old square I’ve still maintained my collection of records from hip artists like Perry Como, Eddie Fisher and Sheb Wooley.

Nice flying Master Luke!

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  
al@motorwayamerica.com

Like millions of others I’m a fan of the Star Wars series. And as an aviation aficionado I was always bedazzled by the X-Wing Fighters. Their maneuverability was impressive and since I’m generally prone to motion sickness I stood in awe of those who could fly an aircraft with such rapid movement without having a windscreen full of peanut butter and jelly capsules. Lately, however, I’ve noticed that training areas for X-Wing Flight School seems to be the interstate highway system.

Bogie....nine o'clock!!!

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour

How many times have you been driving on a freeway and you’re coming up to a construction zone where one or more lanes are being temporarily shut down. You’re paying your dues, sticking to the lane you’re supposed to be in, when all of a sudden you’re “strafed” at your nine o’clock position, not by a Messerschmitt or a MiG…but by a bandit in a Lexus!

Parking space width is not rocket science

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   al@motorwayamerica.com

The disparity among parking space widths never ceases to amaze me. Seldom is there a parking place whose outside lines allow room to comfortably park your vehicle with enough space to open the doors on either side without putting a crease in the cars next to you. Believe me when I tell you that it’s only a matter of time before this damage is reciprocated. And I’m not talking about “compact” spaces versus regular spaces. If the run of the mill idiots can’t figure that one out for themselves we’re in trouble. No I’m just talking about a lot full of regular spaces or what regular spaces should look like.

Just what does a bumper do, anyway?

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour     al@motorwayamerica.com

Being the hopeless romantic I am, I took my wife to the new iHOP the other day at what used to be a truck stop diner. As I left, my appetite sated from a Seniors Sampler, I happened to notice a Freightliner leaving the facility. The sun was setting in the west (or wherever it goes) and the rays were shining on the truck’s chrome bumper. I was awed by the size of the thing. It looked like it could stop a…a truck! Then I noticed the bumpers on the passenger cars parked around the lot. Other than beginning and ending points to measure overall length, what good are they?

Brake light tap dancing

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  al@motorwayamerica.com

Have you ever been driving down the road and all of a sudden you seem to be getting a message in Morse code from the tail light lens of the vehicle you’re following?

Personally, I can’t read Morse code so whatever message is being conveyed is lost on me. It could be a cry for help (in which case they’re in trouble) or it could be someone telling me to turn to an oldies station because they’re playing a Jimmy Dorsey record. The only message I’m interpreting from this is the person in front of me is a two-legged head case.

Servicing your vehicle shouldn't be a guessing game

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  al@motorwayamerica.com

My life has generally been filled with wonder…like “I wonder where my Great Grandfather hid the matzah?” or “Where are those hidden Easter eggs?” (Alright…so I hedged my bets.) Or the most important question, “What if we get caught.” But the most consistently unanswered question is, “Where is the hood latch?”

Would you like a seat with that car?

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour     al@motorwayamerica.com

My family tree does not contain many, if any members who had long — or even normal-length legs. Truth be told, if we were dogs we’d be Welsh Corgis (and my family left the Ukraine in the 19th century for the gold-lined streets of Indiana.) There’s absolutely no reason to short-sheet the front seat of a vehicle by installing bottom cushions whose end catches me at mid-thigh. If it catches me at mid-thigh then it would be a tushy rub for someone with normal-length femurs.

Hey pet hater, your dog is not an airbag

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour        
al@motorwayamerica.com

How many times have you been driving down the street and saw a vehicle coming toward you that looked like it was being driven by a dog?

No, you’re not high on Red Bull, my friend. You’re looking at an overt abuser of his pet and a danger to every other vehicle on the highway.

Has anyone seen our road repair money?

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al V
inikour   al@motorwayamerica.com

Most of the country has had a pretty severe winter (except Miami) and usually about this time sever
al events occur. The first is a joyous one for tire shops who are swamped with business because of damaged or ruined tires caused by bad roads; and state legislators and governors crying crocodile tears over how poor their roads are and how much repairing it’s going to take to update the infrastructure.