Diatribe

There's no such thing as 90-degree parking

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  
al@motorwayamerica.com

One sure-fire giveaway that someone has a brand new car is to see a shiny vehicle parking perpendicular across two or there parking spaces. The presumable reason is to stop someone from parking too closely and putting a dent somewhere on this “prized asset.” Technically it makes sense. Somebody is proud of a vehicle that he or she has worked hard for and spent many thousands of dollars on. However, one thing these selfish fecal craniums fail to consider is that everybody in that parking lot has spent thousands of dollars or more on their own rides.

Your car is not a beauty salon

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  
al@motorwayamerica.com

This may come as a shock to you but there are a lot of things that irk me. One of them is the amount of people who wait until they’re in their car driving to their jobs before they work on their appearance. I’m going to give these people the benefit of the doubt and presume they’ve gone #1 and #2, taken baths or showers and gotten dressed before leaving home. However, when they close the door of their cars and turn on their own local version of “Morning Zoo Radio” they might as well put a barber pole or clever salon sign outside their vehicles.

There's nothing more pathetic than a mid-life crisis

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  
al@motorwayamerica.com

Just like the ball dropping in Time’s Square to celebrate the New Year and robins marking the first signs of spring, so too are there tell-tale signs that designate the presence of a man mounting a mid-life crisis. Among the clues are: a bad toupee, dressing in the modern version of disco clothes, the presence of a buxom blonde barely out of high school and attending rock concerts and dancing with all the grace of Elaine Benes on Seinfeld. But the single, most visible indication of a mid-life crisis is what kind of vehicle he drives.

Victims may be closer than they appear

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  
al@motorwayamerica.com

Several years ago manufacturers came up with a safety device called a “ground illuminating mirror.” When putting the gearshift lever in reverse the outside rearview mirrors tilt downward. Its purpose is to make it easier to see if any small children or pets might be looming below the driver’s sight line.

You drink... you drive... you die!!

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  
al@motorwayamerica.com

On last night’s news there was a film clip about the first anniversary of the death of four teenagers who were going out to get a pizza before each went home to do their homework. On the way they were smashed into by a drunk driver…and all four of the kids were killed.
Not the drunken slob who killed them, however.

Express-down power windows — half the job!

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   al@motorwayamerica.com

You don’t need to spend a month at the Natural History Museum to study evolution. Perusing a biography of the automobile industry highlights one of the clearest examples. When the first cars were built they didn’t include windows. There generally was a roof of some sort…and no doubt the occupants had some way to try to block out inclement weather as they bounced down the rutted and sloppy dirt roads of the time. Umbrellas come to mind.

The state of plates

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  
al@motorwayamerica.com

Other than the times I’m in a vehicle stopped on the shoulder of a road with both my hands on the steering wheel pleading my case, I’ve always held great respect for all police department personnel. I recently wrote a rant about people whose windows are so heavily tinted that an approaching policeman (or anyone else for that matter) can’t see inside – causing the police officer to fear for his safety. As I was driving on the freeway this morning I saw another infraction that seems the driver is thumbing his (or her) nose at law enforcement – license plates whose information is partially – or completely obliterated.

Climbing Mount Bigfoot

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   
al@motorwayamerica.com

A popular attraction for young and old alike are those monster truck shows that hard-of-hearing announcers promote in those incessant radio spots. I don’t know exactly what size tires those behemoths have — I’m guessing 450-inches…but then again I can’t tell the length of a foot if I had a ruler in my hand — but I’ve probably lived in smaller towns.

Turn that thing down!!!

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour    

Just because I primarily listen to talk radio and/or news programs people assume I’m not a fan of music. Sure I am and always have been. Though I can’t understand one thing that Dr. Dre, Iced T or Busta Rhyms says, it must resonate somewhere because today’s youth are infatuated with the noise they call music. Far from being an old square I’ve still maintained my collection of records from hip artists like Perry Como, Eddie Fisher and Sheb Wooley.

Nice flying Master Luke!

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  
al@motorwayamerica.com

Like millions of others I’m a fan of the Star Wars series. And as an aviation aficionado I was always bedazzled by the X-Wing Fighters. Their maneuverability was impressive and since I’m generally prone to motion sickness I stood in awe of those who could fly an aircraft with such rapid movement without having a windscreen full of peanut butter and jelly capsules. Lately, however, I’ve noticed that training areas for X-Wing Flight School seems to be the interstate highway system.