Turn on your lights, dummy!
By Al Vinikour
As most of you know one of my biggest gripes in life are those drivers who do not use turn signals. If I had my way about it anybody who does not use turn signals should be sent to Chernobyl to enjoy the facility’s famous warm baths and be waited on hand and foot – which if legend has it will be the last identifiable body parts left after a two-lap swim of its Olympic-sized pools.
But as despicable as those who refuse to use turn signals are there’s another group that seems to be emerging and they have the potential to be a lot more dangerous than the original group I loathe. I’m of course referring to people who don’t realize their lights aren’t on when driving at night.
I don’t know if this is a recent phenomenon or just something that has cropped up as we enter the headlong race into winter. We realize it gets darker at an earlier time as we know that Father Time is always screwing with the clock especially now as we ready to flip the calendar to a new year. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become something of a day kind of guy. Whereas I could once identify the sex of a fly at 1,000 yards on a cloudy day I now have trouble reading a theater marquee at dusk — with its lights on. (What I’m not going to say is that I try to stay inside with locked doors because I am not going to be hit on by a vampire when I’m out walking my fictitious dog Ralph. But that’s whole other column.)
My wife and I go out to dinner most every night because neither of us cooks and we’re empty nesters. The nights we don’t both go out I generally head out and bring something home. Usually when I’m by myself I notice the driving habits of others because I’m always looking for something that ticks me off and makes for a good column. Lately I’ve noticed at least one or more vehicles daily are driving down main highways with no headlights on.
I think a satellite could easily pick this up because it’s like there are trails of cars and trucks driving by and in one of the long lines of traffic there’s this discernible black square that seems to not belong there. Whenever I see this I instantly know what’s causing it – there’s a vehicle in that mess that is not lit up; doesn’t matter if it’s 6:p.m. or midnight – I’ve seen this occurrence at all times of the dark.
See the white Jaguar in the rearview mirror, getting dark and snowing, no lights
If the vehicle is coming towards me I’ll flash my bright lights on as much as I can to at least try and warn this dumb ass that his lights aren’t on – which is presenting a dangerous situation. That doesn’t always work. If we’re driving the same direction I’ll try to pull up alongside this person and get his or her attention to tell them their lights aren’t on.
The other day I did this and over the course of about 1 ½ miles and what seemed like 2,627 beeps of my horn I still couldn’t get the attention of this bastard. If I weren’t usually driving a manufacturer’s press vehicle – one that’s generally expensive – I’d be tempted to smash into this miscreant in the name of humanity and avoid having some unsuspecting driver fall victim by being hit by, or even hitting a vehicle that “isn’t there.” But I don’t have that luxury. Where are the police cars that are usually hiding when I’m doing 7 miles over the speed limit and I suddenly am introduced to their occupants?
I know what the real culprit is. Most vehicles have some form of automatic headlight system (“Auto” on your player’s guide) that will automatically turn the headlights on when the sensors detect approaching darkness. At times people may have inadvertently moved the light switch off this function but think it’s still activated. They may get into their vehicle in the late-afternoon and before they know it, it gets dark. The fact they’re in the middle of scads of traffic where everyone has their lights on (almost) gives them the feeling that their lights are on as well. Wrong!Personally I don’t think a driver would make a conscious decision not to use his or her headlights in the dark, as opposed to those who voluntarily decide not to use their turn signals. So I think that even though punishment is both justified and demanded, unlike the turn signal scofflaw who has no defense in failing to use this wonderful technology, one who doesn’t turn their lights on should be given at least one chance.
The first offense would result in either a warning or a 2 hour and 17 minute session at Traffic School. But if this happens a second time then depending on whether he or she is right-or left-handed, the opposite hand should be removed at the wrist with a dull axe. And should there be a third offense then the required punishment is easy. Obviously this person can apparently see in the dark and thus would have no use for eyes. Both eyes should be removed and sent to the cornea transplant wing of the nearest University Hospital.
It’s obvious that a three-time loser of a driver who continuously fails to put on his/her headlights when its dark wouldn’t miss them…so his/her eyes can be appreciated elsewhere. After all, this is the time for giving, isn’t it?
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