Let me introduce you to my car
DRIVE
R'S SIDE DIATRIBE
R'S SIDE DIATRIBEBy Al Vinikour
When I was growing up in Indiana there was only so many times you could tip over a cow, make out at Bartz’s Woods or eat a “Pig’s Dinner” at Brownie’s Drive-In. So creative juices flowed, and out of this mind-searching came a trend of naming one’s car.
Not just to talk about, but to actually paint a name on it. After all they painted names on the side of military airplanes. I had a ’55 Ford in high school and at the same time the Everly Brothers had a hit song entitled “Problems.”
So I chose that moniker for my Ford, even though I didn’t have any problems with it, and had the name painted below the left quarter-panel window. COOL!!!! Only thing is, with apologies to Phil and Don, it was so small and unprofessionally done that I might as well have written a name in pencil and waited for the rain to wash it away.
Naming a car didn’t necessarily depend on it being a song title. For instance, one of my buddies whose first name was Ken had a bright red, 1957 Ford convertible. No, he didn’t name the car “Big Red” or “Lucy” or something that mundane; he named it “Mister Period.” What a great name! Ken became a hero to most everyone in high school – just before he got his girlfriend pregnant and quit school.Other non-song names were somewhat predictable, like an all-white car would be called “The Milk Wagon” or “Dairy Delight” or something that would connote vanilla ice cream. A black vehicle would quite often be named “Black Beauty” or “Midnight” or similar to that. Usually the cars that were other colors, like yellow, or tan, or green or blue were the ones that were named after songs.
My Ford w
as black and white so if I was of the mind to, and the song would have been available, I could have named it “Ebony & Ivory.” (Paul McCartney, Michael Jackson and I used to have long conversations about this but usually my alarm clock went off before any solution was resolved.)
as black and white so if I was of the mind to, and the song would have been available, I could have named it “Ebony & Ivory.” (Paul McCartney, Michael Jackson and I used to have long conversations about this but usually my alarm clock went off before any solution was resolved.)You don’t see things done like this anymore. Most cars look alike anyway so there’s no single characteristic that would issue a statement. Back then a car was your identity. There was also another thing many of us did to personalize our vehicles; we had them pinstriped. Pin-striping was an absolute art and I’ve seen some of the most intricate patterns done freehand – and that included an identical right and left design.
Von Dutch could do a perfect pinstripe even if he was four-sheets to the wind. Watching someone like him, with a fine-edged paint brush in their hand, held like Europeans hold their cigarettes (I’ve never been able to figure that one out), was more enjoyable than watching the World Series…and much more professional.
Eventually the factories began offering pin-striping as an original function, and although they were obviously well done there seemed to be a subliminal loss of personalization by having a machine do something a true artist could do with a steady pair of hands. As far as I can recall no factory ever painted a name on the side of a car per the customer’s re
quest. Had they have it might have added to the sex-appeal of the car because unlike pin-striping, paining a name is something that requires solemnity.
quest. Had they have it might have added to the sex-appeal of the car because unlike pin-striping, paining a name is something that requires solemnity. I guess in retrospect it was better to name a car after a song or even a movie than give it an actual name. Somehow it doesn’t befit the image of a high-performance Chevy if it was named “Ralph.” By the same token it sounded much better to name a 425-horsepower Ford “Shake, Rattle & Roll” than to have the name “Clarence” painted up in fancy letters. I realize the chances of someone introducing you to his or her car by name would probably be quite rare but after seeing a commercial where dozens of employees are congratulating a building on its selection as “employee of the month” makes it seem possible.
I have always believed that machines have life, and if not life, at least a soul. Thus, it would make sense to give it a name. But the name given to a mass of metal can’t be equated to those of a human being. Can you picture walking into a cocktail reception with you brother, and introducing him as “The Stripper,” even though it was tattooed on his butt.
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