DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour 

The other day I was passing a vehicle on the freeway and I happened to look at the driver as I went by. At first I thought I was looking at another poor soul who had been beaten severely with an ugly stick. This woman looked a cross between the Sea Hag and Alice the Goon.

But then I noticed she had a cell phone in her left hand…and a cigarette in her right. How she steered the car still puzzles me but her vehicle seemed to be staying in its own lane. I got to thinking about people who can multi-task with two hands, like waiters and waitresses at a restaurant.

You’ve seen them…they line up about 3-4 plates on their left arm and have one or two more in their right. I’ll bet if you asked one of them for a straw they could balance the plates and pull one out of their apron without disturbing a pea.

I wonder if this is the same bit of ambidexterity (how’s that for a word that never came out of the state of Indiana?) carries forth for driving? It must because I’ve seen people with cigarettes, hot dogs, cell phones, pencil and paper, changing clothing, etc., all going on at the same time. Intellectually I know that humans are given a maximum of two hands. But how do you explain the amusement park ride that doubles as some people’s extremities? And think of this, if you don’t mind thinking of this: at the same time they’re doing all this juggling they’re probably fiddling with the radio and constantly readjusting the vehicle’s temperature.

I just returned from the Chicago Auto Show, which is held annually during the city’s balmiest month – February. The venue for the show is the awesome McCormick Place, a two-million square foot facility that’s capable of running 10 trade shows simultaneously. As a comparison, Detroit is “boasting” that it’s holding discussions to consider a 30,000 square foot expansion in coming years to its exhibition embarrassment, Cobo Hall. Heck…Chicago adds bathrooms bigger than that whenever they expand McCormick Place. But…I digress.

My Grandfather Sam, who resembled Edward G. Robinson so much that people would actually stop him for his autograph, always used to tell me, “You have to crawl before you can walk.” (I guess he was worried that I’d go directly to “running” from crawling.) Early on I expanded on this profundity by thinking you have to walk before you can drive.

I have always amused myself (let me finish my thought before you jump to conclusions!) by watching people and I watched a lot of them at the Auto Show. I especially tracked people who were texting or reading messages or what have you from their Blackberries. Most were totally oblivious to what was in front of them. On several occasions I just stood there and waited for them to bump into me because they were so lost in their own private Hell that they didn’t notice me blocking their way. That got me to thinking how wise the decision is from so many municipalities who are enacting ordinances banning texting and cell phone use while driving. Granted, it’s rarely enforced…but so are turn signal laws. It’s a start.

Never one to avoid adopting the role of judge, jury and executioner, I have developed a fine for people who violate the no-cell phone/texting ban-while-driving law and loyal readers of my #$%^* will realize I haven’t lost my perspective of fairness. The first time someone is pulled over for this infraction they will be given the choice of paying a fine of $15,371.16…or given a claw hammer to smash their cell phone to bits.

The second offense will be a little harsher. Their cell phone should have a template with the numbers 96-104 on it and the phone should then be inserted rectally into the guilty party and left there until his or her body temperature is registered.

Should there be a third offense…or even a first offense that leads to body harm or worse to an innocent third party…the driver who caused all this mayhem should be thrown into a septic tank and then tasered until dead. The video should not only be shown on YouTube, but should be a Driver’s Ed training film in schools.

When our Founding Fathers developed driving rules they never intended to have texting and cell phone violations as part of the mix. Not even amendments to the Constitution mention the right to bear Twitter. For someone who prides themselves on their ability to multi-task like an octopus…they could easily break the law and dig their own grave at the same time.