DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

There are many ways to disguise legalized theft, running the gamut from “restocking fee” to “plus shipping and handling.” The most blatant one, however, is a charge that car buyers seem to take in stride – “Destination & Delivery Charges.”

Let me use a hypothetical example of a car customer we’ll call Cyril Heaps. Cyril owns a CB radio repair shop. As might be expected, business is not good and he has to husband his money to purchase necessities. Buying a new car became one after his 1985 Ford Crown Victoria that had 210,756 miles on it crapped out somewhere east of Blytheville, Arkansas. He had begun saving for a new vehicle for about 11 years and decided it was time.

He had visited automotive websites whenever he went to the local library to use their computers and had all his research with him. He visited a dealership owned by his fifth cousin’s third wife’s former brother-in-law. After 3 ½ hours of “tough negotiating,” Cyril was able to get the dealership to not only come down $500 from its original “super double-secret best deal,” but also badgered them into throwing in a set of floor mats and a medium-size can of Armor All. Cyril was pleased with his apparent victory. He figured he had saved himself the better part of $625 by standing firm.

What really happened to Cyril reminds me of an old Yiddish phrase my great-grandfather Mendel Derman used to tout repeatedly and often…”He got schtupped.”  Schtupped is loosely translated as “being royally screwed.” Cyril balked at having to pay $34 for floor mats…but didn’t’ bat an eye at the line on the Monroney label that said, “Destination &  Delivery -- $750.”

Just exactly what are “destination & delivery charges?” Damned if I know and furthermore I don’t understand the rationale for them.  I don’t think dealers pay that charge to the manufacturers when the car hauler pulls up to the dealership and regurgitates vehicles. Nor do the dealers get any of that money (again, as far as I know). It’s precisely a way that manufacturers bring in a pot full of cash without having to rationalize it with the car-buying public.

Think about it. I literally live within walking distance of the plant where Mustangs are built…and also within walking distance of a large Ford dealership. Yet if I were to enter the dealership and purchase a new Mustang there would be a destination and delivery charge of around $700. I could get three neighbors to help me push the vehicle from the factory to the dealership in about 11 minutes – providing we didn’t have to stop for the light on Hall Road – and they’d charge nothing!

At the other end of the spectrum, if I ordered a new Audi S5 quattro for about $65,000, the destination and delivery charge is $825 – and the car’s final assembly point is Ingolstadt, Germany. Short of digging around the attic and finding one of my late-Uncle Elmer’s maps from his days as a B-17 navigator with the 8th Air Force in WWII, I haven’t a clue where Ingolstadt, Germany is, but going by the destination costs of the Mustang it must be fairly close because there’s only a $125 difference.

If vehicle manufacturers want to fess up that they’re “schtupping” us they shouldn’t use flowery words such as “destination & delivery.” At some point Cyril is going to thoroughly read the Monroney label and when he sees the “destination and delivery line” he’s going to have a broken heart, which will quickly turn to anger – and an angered Cyril Heaps can’t be depended on to be rational.

Do the buying public a favor, Mr. Car Manufacturer – hire a good mortician with a CPA degree and let him figure out some way to bury this blatant theft in the base price. Sure we know we’re paying it one way or the other but by burying the charge we will feel better not getting “schtupped” right before our eyes.

You’ll sleep better at night…and the chances of having to defend yourself will have been considerably diminished.