DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

How many hundreds of thousands of times in automotive history have batteries gone dead because the driver forgot to turn off the headlights when leaving the car? There could be any number of reasons for this. Maybe he or she departed the vehicle in a brightly-lit shopping mall parking lot or garage and wouldn’t have noticed whether the lights were on or off.

Or maybe distracted by something and exited the car – leaving the lights burning. (Or just maybe the headlight switch is at the end of the turn signal stalk…a lever that too many people can’t seem to find!) Simple enough answers…but awfully difficult to reflect upon when the vehicle can’t be started because it sat in the parking lot for several hours with the lights on. Couple a below-zero or thunderstorm-laden night and you’re pretty much screwed, blued and tattooed (whatever that means).

Through the years many manufacturers have made their contribution to assist those who have faced this dilemma. One is through a chime that dings when the door is opened and the lights remain on. The chime may play a song but if I were given 150 notes I still couldn’t name it. Many vehicles these days have a set switch to turn headlights on and off automatically; on when it gets dark enough and off after a short amount of time since the vehicle’s ignition switch was turned off. All it takes is a twist of the headlight knob to the “auto” setting and the “people who do things for you” have done it.

However…the real heroes of the auto industry are those manufacturers who have devised their lights to turn off when the engine does. What’s that all about? It sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? You know what they say about things like that. Except in this case…it’s true!!!! What a brilliant procedure!

If I had a shot gun aimed at my left eye I couldn’t come up with a domestic manufacturer with any vehicles in their product lineup with this function. (No, I’m not Detroit-bashing; just being realistic.) However, most of the import vehicles (whether built in North America or boated over from lands beyond) I can think of do have. Somehow I don’t think it requires a PhD in Electrical Engineering from the University of Michigan to have the smarts to wire up a headlight system that turns the lights off when the power is killed.

As long as I have the space…there’s another electrical device that should be mandatory in vehicles. Just as failing to turn off headlights can drain a battery so can a car door that’s not closed completely. The first clue should be the interior light will one as you’re walking away from the car but what if it occurs during the daytime…or your interior bulbs are dead? In no time at all you’re battery will be, too. Yes, those damned chimes are there for this occasion as well.

But what if the driver is hard of hearing from spending a lifetime working on jet engine repairs or spending his youth listening to a 10,000-watt stereo system in his Yugo? An electrical engineering dropout from the world-famous Sam Houston Institute of Technology could fashion a sensor that will automatically turn off the interior lighting after a period of time – like five minutes or so. What is the point of allegedly having some of the greatest minds in the western world if they can’t make it into work because their battery is run down?

I’ve often asked in these columns why some of the most obvious oversights aren’t easily recognized before production starts. Maybe there should be a department headed by the Vice President of “Let Me Try That For A Minute?” It makes just as much sense as going to market with a product that could kill its own battery. Sort of like falling asleep with your eyes open, isn’t it Clarence?

My advice to manufacturers is this: have your young engineers work on simple answers to common complaints like I’ve highlighted here. Make them leave their “facebook” Farms and come back to the real world where most of us live.

We need the help out here…Bossy the Pig doesn’t exist.