DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour       al@motorwayamerica.com

Just who determines where to position a vehicle’s ignition switch? I’ll tell you my suspicion…a Transformer, that’s who. No one with opposable thumbs and a normally-articulated wrist could have been responsible.

If you’re old enough to require a fiber supplement you probably remember when ignition switches used to be located on the dashboard – most often on the left side. Some of them even had lights. There was only one way to insert the key but yet a bat could see where it went.

Not too many decades ago double-sided keys were created and they were pretty cool. About the same time, however, ignition switches were being moved to steering columns and contained a locking mechanism to thwart would-be thieves. Still not a problem because they generally had a double-raised chrome lip that allowed easy access to the switch itself.

However…at some point, some engineering genius and his bean-counting counterpart – both of whom no doubt graduated from expensive universities, figured out that if they removed the chrome receptor they could probably save the company somewhere in the neighborhood of a few cents per vehicle. Never one to ignore a mistletoe on the back of their boss’s suit jacket, they ran to management and touted their device that will increase shareholder value by a fraction of a cent. Thus started the living hell some refer to as “starting your vehicle.”

One of the largest recipients of my ire is Ford Motor Company, but they are certainly not alone. I’m just more familiar with their designs because truth-be-told, my wife is a Ford retiree and only buys her former company’s vehicles. I have a chore for many of you. Put a friend who is not a Ford owner into your vehicle on a pitch-black night. Do not let him or her turn on the interior lights but tell them to insert the ignition key. You can give them a hint and tell them it’s located on the steering column but that’s as helpful as you get. If you have a stopwatch, use it. Otherwise, count “One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, etc.” Granted, it will be dark, but chances are better than even that you would be able to see the angry red glow spread across your former friend’s face.

Even in the daylight it’s not easy to find — especially by feel. Sometimes I feel like a Peeping Tom when I look behind the steering wheel to locate the ignition switch. Then, it takes wrist articulation that would make performers at Circ de Soleil jealous. And if somebody is burdened with arthritis or some other impairment – forget it. You’ll probably be able to hear bones crack and pop all the way to the Philippines.

So my advice to you designers, engineers and purchasing people is this: tell your superiors that you’re working on something that will be a tremendous benefit to their parents and older relatives and at the same time start a popular trend that will bring millions…if not billions of potential buyers to showrooms that are left.

Put the damned ignition switch back on the dashboard like some manufacturers have already done and realize that just because the good old days were short on inside plumbing they were definitely long on good ideas. Just look at some poor, pathetic old man who can’t even hold a coffee cup in his hand and see if you can look him in the eye after what you’ve probably done to him to save the company a few pennies. Shame on you! Do the right thing. I assure you that even if I have to type out these messages using my nose because my hands are now useless from a lifetime of starting cars, I’ll continue this crusade!