DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

It seems the ancient Greeks had a God for everything — war, the ocean, love, Feta Cheese, etc. If I weren’t so enmeshed in Sgt. Rock and Archie comic books when I was a youngster I might have paid more attention to ancient mythology. I do know that I’ve been putting a heavy burden on God, especially if there’s only one.

I’ve been asking him to damn things since I was first taught the expression by my Uncle Barney, probably when I was three-years-old. I don’t expect him to honor my wishes because I know he has a lot more to do than listen to my sorry requests. But every once-in-a-while I witness something that absolutely makes me believe there’s a special bond between me and the guy upstairs, which is kind of ironic because I’ve no doubt I’m going the opposite direction when I finally leave the building.

Case in point: Some time ago I was driving on the expressway at about 10 miles or so over the speed limit. Along comes a vehicle with a driver who must have been a former fighter pilot because he kept juking in and out of traffic, swapping lanes like he was lining up a MiG over the Yalu River. Furthermore he must have been doing well over 90 because I, and everyone else who was keeping up with me in traffic was being left in the dust by this guy. Eventually he disappeared from sight and I figured good riddance to that proctologist’s dream.

However…about 30 miles down the road it was as if I was witnessing the proverbial pot at the end of the rainbow.

There was a pair of ambulances, several police cars and a two-mile backup. The far lane was open so traffic was creeping and crawling through the morass. When I got within eyesight of the reason for the delay, there was the car that had blown us all off and it was upside down in a ditch alongside the freeway. And guess what was laying on a gurney with a sheet completely covering him. YES!!!! The Jerk!!!!!

I wanted to stop at the first house of worship I could find and put some money in the collection plate because at that moment it was proven to me that there IS a God…and he DOES listen to his flock – even a sinning flocker like me!

Ever since that day I have made silent wishes that I know only a higher power can hear, but yet I’ve added the caveat that if my wish were to come true I wouldn’t want to inconvenience myself or my fellow drivers by having to face another traffic jam. So whenever I see some butthole on his cellphone, driving like a drunken sailor, or even a drunken sailor for that matter, the perverted way I want this miscreant to die is generally at some location that won’t mess us innocents up.

For instance, I may wish for this guy (or girl, I don’t discriminate) to use an off-ramp and pull into a gas station. As his tank is being filled a lightning strike comes out of a perfectly clear sky, hits the pump that he’s using and blows him and his car into the next life. Luckily, nobody else at the station was injured and no other damage was done to the property. Obviously it was a “freak of nature.”

Want another twisted example? I’m just the man to give it to you. Let’s say I’m driving through the loneliest part of Utah’s mountain region and the only other car visible for miles is about to pass me. The other car starts to veer into my lane and comes with inches of hitting my front fender. As I look over and utter a complex phrase of toilet words (as my daughter used to call them) I notice this idiot is on his cell phone, laughing himself silly over something that’s being said.

In other words he was totally oblivious to how close he came to running me off the road. Thus began another “talk” between me and He. A half-mile down the road, at a hairpin curve, I see the guy obviously texting someone. It’s at that moment he failed to notice that he’s doing almost 80 in a 25 mph zone because of the dangerous curve, and Golly Bob Howdy…he flies off the road like an F-18 being catapulted from the U.S.S. Reagan. As I drive by I’m watching his car fall the 4,380 feet to the bottom of the gorge, form a little smile and give a verbal shout-out of “Thanks” to whatever higher power happened to be on duty that day.

This is what I’m talking about when I constantly tell people to obey traffic laws and don’t do anything that could possibly bring harm to either yourself, which is fine with me, or your fellow drivers, the innocent victims in this scenario.

You never know who…or even what may be in the next lane.