DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

You don’t need a very large hard drive to recall that I hate people who don’t use their turn signals more than I hate life itself. Everytime I have to slow up for some rectum to come to almost a full stop and then make a right-hand turn — without benefit of turn signal — I just want to see that miscreant strung up by piano wire to a flagpole.

I even have fantasies of it being done professionally by Clemenza from the Godfather movies, a man whom I would gladly buy a dozen cannolis for a job well done. I despise those people. Lately, however, there’s another group of vehicular hemorrhoids who are providing competition to those who fail to signal — a group I call the “No Turn on Red Nazis.”

You know these people; chances are you see them every day. They come up to a stop sign at a busy intersection and even though a warning sign is posted advising drivers that they’re not to turn on red at that site it doesn’t stop those in the first or even the second lane from turning on red, anyway. It’s like the laws don’t apply to them, just the tourists. They make me so angry I could crack walnuts in my own gnashed jaws.

There always seems to be the perfect spot for those people (if you want to call them that). In the Detroit metropolitan area it’s the Middlebelt Road off-ramp from eastbound I-94. This is an extremely busy intersection that has two lanes for left-hand turning and two lanes for right-hand turning.

There’s a “No Turn on Red” sign at each side of the right-hand turn lanes. It might as well say, “Step this way, Folks.”

The other night I was coming home from the airport, taking that ramp, and while I was waiting for the light I witnessed three (count ‘em…THREE) cars that turned right against the light. Occasionally there’s a Romulus police car sitting on the other side of the overpass that can’t be seen by vehicles until they pass the spot the policeman is sitting at. Not often enough, however, because I seldom see anybody stopped near the bridge, which would be the major reason for someone to be stopped. Because of the short distance it’s almost impossible to build up a head of steam to go speeding past that location.

Since I’m mainly driving press vehicles and not M1-A2 Abrams tanks I don’t have a 120 mm. gun on the nose of my vehicle to send those scofflaws to where they belong – an eternity burning in Hell. However, there are two things I often do: the first is to honk my horn long and loud in case the police car happens to be sitting there and looks to see what the noise is all about. This generally is reserved for the daylight hours. I’m counting on him noticing the car that just turned right and he knows the vehicle was at the light and was supposed to be stopped. It may be wishful thinking but I’m hoping this might put the law enforcement officials on alert.

The second thing I do I reserve for when it’s dark. As the vehicle in front of me starts his illegal acceleration to the right — against the red light — I flash my bright lights several times so that for at least the next minute or so the driver will wonder if that’s the flashing of a police car, in which case he’s screwed for what he’s done. In my own mind the next 30-60 seconds will test the bounds of the driver’s muscle control, if you catch my drift. Or I could hit the jackpot and the person would be scared enough to have his blood pressure spike and then DIE! But at least he won’t be turning right on red anymore.

If I were really creatively sick I could wish for the following scenario: The driver could illegally turn right on red and as a result of his haste failed to notice a speeding vehicle headed towards his 9 o’clock position. The illegal driver is T-boned so badly that the turn signal arm is bent upwards and as his body descends downwards on impact the lever is propelled into his eye, shoving it into his brain pan, causing instantaneous death…but what no doubt is slowed seconds of excruciating pain.

Man, do I feel good right now!!! It’s Saturday night as I write this and it’s obvious I don’t need to leave my house and get drunk to have a great time…all I need to do is sit in front of my computer and obey what Mama Cass Elliott used to preach, “Dream a little dream with me.”

The only advantage to illegally turning right on red is the benefit to the rest of society by having the herd thinned out. Judging by the type individual I witness driving like this there certainly would be no way to identify a mangled driver by his dental records.

Understand what I’m saying, Girlfriend?