Hp u rt n hl
DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBEBy Al Vinikour
There’s been talk recently about banning cell phone use in any moving vehicle. This would kill (pardon the pun) two birds with one stone; people wouldn’t be able to talk on the telephone while trying to drive and it would also prevent text-messaging — a plague worse than the great Crablouse Catastrophe of 1839. I personally don’t understand the necessity and the nuances of texting.
I know that in order to text one has to basically forego any semblance of the mastery of the English language because like French, there are many letters that aren’t used. Unlike the French, however, they don’t appear in sentences, anyway. (Author’s note: I once wrote a theme in college 
questioning what the French do with all the letters they don’t use. My finding was that if the French could sell all the letters they didn’t use that appeared in the French dictionary they could pay off their war debts from the first two World Wars.) But…as usual…I digress.
questioning what the French do with all the letters they don’t use. My finding was that if the French could sell all the letters they didn’t use that appeared in the French dictionary they could pay off their war debts from the first two World Wars.) But…as usual…I digress.I personally don’t have a problem with this threat. If one looks back even 50 short years the only threats we had to contend with were broken thumbs from steering knobs, broken wrists from the way we held on to the open vent windows and possible crushed ribs during sharp, right turns from your honey sitting so close to you, especially if she was known on a first-name basis at the local Colonial Buffet.
Now, however, there are high-tech hazards to one’s health, not the least of which is text-messaging. I can see there’s a better-than-not possibility that one could survive talking on cell phones while driving, even though by the end of the conversation the talker may find himself or herself six lanes over from where the call started.
But text-messaging generally requires looking at a screen of an electronic device and that doesn’t describe watching the road from the windshield. Case in point; the other evening my wife and I were headed home after leaving my mother-in-law’s house. We were about a half-block from the first, main intersection, which is a four-way stop; at least to those paying attention. Fortunately we did not interact with a vehicle that went right through the stop sign and it was then that I noticed the young girl who was behind the wheel was obviously texting because she was driving with her head down and it was doubtful she was praying to the Gods of Harrison Street.
I watched her as she drove another block to an even busier intersection and by damn she did the same thing there as well. Luckily, there was no traffic coming. However, I doubt she would have noticed it and the other drivers would have had to depend on their own skills to avoid any kind of vehicular damage. What happened to common sense when sitting behind the wheel? Because this little girl found her text-messaging so overwhelmingly important she was putting the lives of countless others at risk so she could find out, “how ws the sok hp?”
Furthermore, because texting is limited in scope there’s a whole new language users have to learn. It’s doubtful young drivers could recite facts from the Driver’s Manual at the Department of Motor Vehicles but they sure as hell can shorten a complex sentence to read like a “Texting For Dummies” book. Obviously texting takes extra time to translate because not only are those idiots spending time thinking of how to misspell an already shortened word but once they invariably receive a reply to the all-important text message they sent they’re going to have to think it through for it to make sense – and when they’re not playing with a full deck in the first place think how difficult this chore will be.
There’s a reason that sky-high insurance premiums are assigned to young drivers; it’s because most of them belong on a desert trail, hauling goods to the mine. Take this girl, for instance (PLEASE). Paying attention to her driving was the last thing she had on her mind. It’s because of examples like I just gave that I have no problem with the idea of banning uses of cell phones/text messaging in moving vehicles! Oh, you say, what if one receives a message that his or her mother was killed in a hot-air balloon crash? Think about it, Claude. Do you honestly want someone who just received news like that to be behind the wheel of a two-ton missile that’s aimed right towards your vehicle that contains your spouse and children?
Technology being what it is I’m sure that someone or some company can develop a chip that will cause cell phones to receive messages while inside a vehicle but will not be able to display them until the phone is at least 100-feet free of the car or truck.
Same thing with phone calls; making or receiving phone calls while inside a vehicle could be made impossible. However, if somebody can circumvent this safety device then a back-up system that causes a fatal heart-attack to the driver is put in play. It’s obvious that left to their own devices people are not capable of looking out for their own safety.
There you have it. I hope you agree with me. If not…you can “kis mi bg as!”
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