DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour 

In case any of you were concerned about my running out of driving-related things to hate…fear not. As long as there are traffic jams and people who insist on ruining my life by constantly making me slow down so they can make turns —– mostly like they’re dragging a 53’ Dorsey Trailer — there will always be moments for me to ponder my disdain for life as I know it.

With all the construction in the Detroit area resulting in the closure of sections of every freeway that has a number, I’ve had a spring and early summer to gather my vicious thoughts and by the time Labor Day rolls around I should have fodder for the next millennium.

The following are a select few:

• Gravel Hauling trucks are the B-52s of the Interstate Highways but use rocks instead of iron bombs
• Beater-car exhaust cans should be lined with asbestos and funneled through the vehicle’s air conditioning
•  People who park their vehicles perpendicular to parallel parking so nobody can dent their vehicles should be forced to watch their newly-washed car struck by lightning
• Parking lot owners who create overly-narrow parking spaces should spend eternity in a 4’ x 6’ cell
• People whose vehicles are weaving because they’re on the phone and not paying attention to their driving need to be hung by the neck until dead
• Drivers who slow down at each block because they’re looking for a particular street should be forced to pull off the road until traffic passes
• Women who apply mascara and other makeup while driving should be beaten severely with an ugly stick
• Where do you suppose peoples’ minds are visiting as they daydream when the light turns green?
• Men who shave while driving should hit a pothole and decapitate themselves
• Drivers who turn right on red at a “No Turn on Red” sign should vanish from this earth
• Drivers intending on going straight who pull into your lane at the last minute forcing you to wait out the light when you want to turn right should be blindsided by a tandem-axle Brockway diesel
• Pulling behind a stopped car at an intersection, only to discover the driver puts on his turn signal after the light changes, is tantamount to justifiable homicide
• Driving behind a car watching kids making faces at you is the reason paintball was invented
• Anyone who is smoking in the same car that infants are in should be brought up on attempted murder charges
• Anyone smoking a cigar that infants are in should be eaten by wolves
• People who like to stick their arms out the window of a moving car and play “airplane” should have that “airplane” struck by a bumble bee
• Passengers who put their bare feet on the dashboard are secretly hoping to crash and come out looking like “Mini Me”
• Politicians who favor continuation of toll roads should burn in Hell
• For those who take a chance racing a train to the crossing…better luck in the next life
• Drivers who cause an accident because they’re fiddling with their radio should have their ear drums permanently removed so it will never happen again
• Drivers who scrape just enough ice off their windshield to see ahead should have to wear blinders and walk through the Kalahari
• People who flick cigarettes out their car window need to be branded

Finally, to readers who don’t like my suggestions, don’t blame me. It’s the voices in my head that use me as their spokesman.