DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

I spend lots of time sitting in traffic and do way-too-much thinking. Following is a list of some things that run through my brain and cause me angst. (By the way, exactly what is “angst”?)

People who drive a convertible with the top down and the windows up are crying out for help, and nobody’s listening

People who drive a Mercedes-Benz or BMW with whitewall tires should be locked up

People who buy cars with vinyl roofs, especially Lincolns and Cadillacs, should lose their driving privileges

Salesmen who actually entice people to buy a vinyl roof for their vehicles should do hard time at a maximum-security installation

People who take all day to make a turn should have to pay me my hourly rate for time lost

I don’t know how much time I have left in my life, but I don’t want to use it up driving behind “Snowbirds” in Fort Myers traffic

What’s the lifetime expectancy of a toll booth attendant and do they qualify for a pension at a younger age than the rest of us

Why is it that no matter where I’m at, the sun is reflecting off the windshield or back glass of the vehicle in front of me, causing daytime blindness

Are there moths in my gene pool that cause me to be attracted to stare directly into somebody’s bright lights

I think the United States should change its national symbol from the eagle to the orange construction sign; it’s much more prevalent

Drivers who sit there and die at stop lights should do just that…DIE

Vehicles with tinted glass so dark you can’t see inside should be classified as buildings and not allowed on a highway

A building or a truck?

Trains should have one, 10-minute opportunity per hour to block a crossing. Longer than that and the railroad has to buy dinner for all those inconvenienced

There’s no excuse for having to wait for a traffic light in the middle of the night when there won’t be any crossing traffic for the next few hours

Any driver who causes an accident because they tried to beat the light should spend eternity as a lifeguard at a North Pole nude beach

A drunk or negligent driver who causes injury to a family member should be eaten by bears

Why do manufacturers insist on putting a third-row seat in SUVs that aren’t big enough for one

Why can’t all manufacturers have headlights that automatically go out when the ignition is turned off

People who drive with their bright lights on against oncoming traffic, and ignore protestations by others, should have their eyelids crazy-glued open in the Sahara Desert

People who endanger their fellow drivers by weaving on the highway because of fatigue should be allowed to sleep it off…at the bottom of a ravine

Vehicles driving too slow in the left lane who don’t move over to another lane after you flash your headlights at them should be sold for scrap and their drivers should be used as cadavers in third-rate medical schools

Anyone who received vehicle or windshield damage from debris thrown by a gravel hauler should be allowed a free swing with a sledge hammer at the offending vehicle

Nobody (except ex-spouses) should have to follow a livestock truck on a hot day

Anybody driving a vehicle with a powerful stereo playing so loudly that it vibrates the windows on your own car should have to monitor engine run-up tests on B-52s

Anyone driving while using their cell phone who pays more attention to the call than the lineup of angry drivers behind him or her should spend six years in Yuma Territorial Prison

Finally, anyone disagreeing with any of the views I’ve expressed in this column should lose their driver’s license