DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour    

There’s plenty of room on my broad behind for things that gripe it, but taking center stage are children riding in vehicles – particularly infants – and the interior looks like they’re smokinghams at Oscar Mayer. This diatribe is not a rant on smoking…have at it. But if there are minors in that car…DON’T SMOKE ‘EM IF YOU GOT 'EM!!!

Full disclosure: I’m a reformed hooker. By that I mean I once smoked, like most in my generation. But as far as I recall I never smoked when I had my kids in the car. The same courtesy didn’t apply to my father, nor did it to millions of fathers and mothers who thought nothing of creating their own steel mill inside their Oldsmobile. In fairness, it wasn’t until the early-‘60s that smoking – particularly second-hand smoke — was considered a health risk.

At times one almost expects a baby to have the sweet scent of a farm animal. But to pick up some cute little bundle and expose him or her to cartons of Marlboros is not good. For years I had a severe cough that would last most of the winter. Even our family doctor, Paul C. Vietzke, couldn’t discover its roots. “Ironically,” it would dissipate in the summer time when we’d drive around with the windows open. Although the odor of second-hand smoke was lessened the big hazard then was cigarette ashes being blown into the back seat. Sometimes I would grab my little brother Bill and use him as a human shield to intercept those gritty, and sometimes hot ashes.

Unless you’re a Hobbit looking for a golden ring, everyone knows the dangers of second-hand smoke and to subject little, undeveloped lungs to this deluge of carcinogens is beyond child abuse. Again, I don’t have a problem with a car full of adults clouding up the environment. It’s probably like a lottery game in a way. But having poor little Ramone and Byron buckled in their car seats while Mom and Dad are sitting in the front seat smoking unfiltered Camels makes it all hypocritical, doesn’t it?

I’m not advocating more government control of how we drive. Granted, I’m a big advocate of seat belts because I’ve personally experienced their lifesaving traits. But I think if Trooper Dan is passing a car and sees infants or other minors in the car…and witnesses adults blowing smoke all over the interior…it’s ticket time. First offense should be something like $100 and mandatory health classes (like driving school). Second offense is $1,000 and a six-month loss of driving privileges. Third offense should result in confiscation of one’s vehicle. Fourth offense should be 10 years at Yuma Territorial Prison. Fifth offense should result in a choice of providing work for “Old Sparky” or removal of the perp’s lungs.

Conversely, however, should any of these children grow up to be proctologists’ dreams, the punishment levels for their parents are expunged by one level (unless they’ve already reached Level 5, of course).

If you feel like you have to have a smoke…and your kids are in your car…pull over to a McDonald’s and buy them a soft drink while you’re outside having a cigarette. Your kids will probably grow up with Type 2 Diabetes…but at least they’ll have clear lungs.