DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

Being the hopeless romantic I am, I took my wife to the new iHOP the other day at what used to be a truck stop diner. As I left, my appetite sated from a Seniors Sampler, I happened to notice a Freightliner leaving the facility. The sun was setting in the west (or wherever it goes) and the rays were shining on the truck’s chrome bumper. I was awed by the size of the thing. It looked like it could stop a…a truck! Then I noticed the bumpers on the passenger cars parked around the lot. Other than beginning and ending points to measure overall length, what good are they?

When I wore a younger man’s clothes…and could fit into them…bumpers meant something. They were big, heavy, chromed and could actually protect the vehicle and its occupants in a crash. In many, if not most cases, depending on the speed of the impact, it was difficult to tell where the two vehicles had collided. Generally you’d have to use some Bon Ami to rub out a scratch. As if this wasn’t support enough, some of those bumpers even had bumper guards on them. Put a pair of those babies on each end and a Mk. 48 torpedo couldn’t find its way to the car’s body.

That's a bumper!

As miles per gallon became the mantra of the auto industry, weight reduction was the easiest first step. And what was more visible than the aforementioned big, heavy, chromed bumpers. So the industry, in conjunction with various suppliers, developed bumpers that were plasticized, rubberized composites. They were made up of other things but other than bubble wrap and Styrofoam I can’t figure out what it would be.

How many vehicles have you seen that look like Popeye’s chin after he’s been socked by Bluto? NHTSA has set a standard of 2 ½ mph crash protection for bumpers. Golly Bob Howdy, my little grandson Marc could push three times that when he was confined to his bouncy seat! Consequently, it’s common to see a car that has obviously backed into a pole or a tree, probably at the neck-breaking speed of 2.553 mph, and the spot is completely caved in like a pile of Play Doh would be after you’ve put your thumb in it.

 My doctor once backed his minivan into a fence post (which is why he’s my doctor and not my surgeon) and it cost him $675 to fix it! I’m not a conspiracist (full discloser: yes I am) but I’m beginning to detect a bit of collusion between repair shops, NHTSA and bumper manufacturers?  Speaking of repair shops, are you old enough to remember when they used to be called “Bump Shops.” At only 2 ½ mph protection they might as well be called “Vehicle Rebuilding Centers” because that’s about what it takes to fix “minor” incidents.

With all the emphasis on safety and technology, why hasn’t some graduate engineer from Valparaiso University or some other school perfected a bumper made out of Kevlar instead of corn flakes? If a Kevlar vest is strong enough to deflect a bullet, a Kevlar bumper should be able to fend off a slow-moving Impala. The cost would probably be higher but just like electronic calculators; eventually it would be easily affordable.

Unless bumpers have a strong union, I say get rid of them. Instead, equip hoods and trunk lids with a sort of “electric fence” like that used to keep a dog within the confines of his own yard.

Each time a vehicle gets too close to the vehicle in front of it a small, electrical charge should be sent to the steering wheel that will instantly tell the driver to back off. If he still gets closer then fuel-flow will be immediately cut off, causing the vehicle to stop on its own. The vehicles behind the offending driver will have been safely stopped beforehand and will in no way be liable for any sort of punishment. This device would probably not be advisable for those who have pacemakers. In that instance, sad as it is, people needing this life-giving assistance will have to lose their driving privileges. It’s for the better good.

There’s only so much your faithful scribe Al can do on his own. Give me some of your own hatreds and we’ll see if we can right these wrongs.