DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour    al@motorwayamerica.com

A popular attraction for young and old alike are those monster truck shows that hard-of-hearing announcers promote in those incessant radio spots. I don’t know exactly what size tires those behemoths have — I’m guessing 450-inches…but then again I can’t tell the length of a foot if I had a ruler in my hand — but I’ve probably lived in smaller towns.

For some time there has been an influx of pickup truck owners who have tried to emulate the likes of Bigfoot and his “colleagues” by modifying their own Ford, GMC or Chevy half-tons. They fit these vehicles with humongous shock absorbers and other suspension components that look more at home on an A380, equip them with NBA-sized tires and generally sit on top of the world. My question is…how the hell do they get up there??!!!!


Surprisingly, I have never seen anybody do so. But it can’t be easy and nobody short of King Kong would have legs long enough to open the door and hop in. Do these owners climb up with a rope or hopscotch their way up the tire? I don’t know and I don’t have the time to do a complete Law & Order stake out. I’ve heard the adage of guys driving huge vehicles as compensation for anatomical deficiencies so I can only imagine what horrors lurk inside the clothing of those poor bastards who drives a four-wheeled mountain.

Speaking of climbing into a vehicle, let’s talk reality. I like 4x4 trucks. They make a lot of sense. Oh, maybe not on Interstate 10 driving through the desert or on the Florida Turnpike. But places like hilly terrain, heavy snow areas and other like environments are what four-wheel-drive trucks were really created for. If you’re considering a purchase of this kind of vehicle I only have two words of advice, Francis; running boards.

It’s easy to spot a 4x4 truck…they either have large lettering telling you they are or they sit up high like a throne. I have tested many of these vehicles through the years and if there are no running boards to assist entry, I’m riding alone because my wife has an arthritic knee and can’t climb.

Sometimes even I have difficulty making the leap (literally) from the ground to the seat. It’s helpful if the vehicle has a grip handle…but sometimes a truck doesn’t. In that case there better be an awfully-strong steering wheel because one of us is going to give...and it ain’t gonna be me, Lenny.

There are some really neat pickup running boards — both original equipment and aftermarket. Some are tubular chrome, some slide out from under the body when the doors are open and others are basic “jump-ons.” But they all have one thing in common…they are sometimes the only things standing between the ground and your ride home. They aren’t that expensive, relatively speaking, especially when comparing their cost to that of a torn ligament.

Remember when we were kids and we’d often play “king of the mountain?” This describes standing on the running board of a 4x4. You’re positioned like General Custer surveying your surroundings. Had Custer had the height advantage such a lofty perch provides he might have had more warning he was about to be overrun, and taken off running the other way. Who was going to tell on him? All his men were soon to be killed. 

If you don’t have a running board your troubles don’t end once you’re finally planted in the driver’s seat. Eventually you’ll need to exit and that experience could be the same as repelling from a Blackhawk helicopter like you’re some Special Forces member…or just slide off the seat and hope for the best

If having a standard-sized running board would jeopardize much-needed ground clearance — especially for a work truck — then there should be some other way of folding it either underneath or have it blend into the side of the vehicle where it’s out of the way, but lowers when the door is opened or closed.

Here’s another suggestion for you engineers and designers; start using average-sized people in your focus groups. You don’t owe anything to the citizens of Amazonia that forces you to use them as templates for vehicular height.

Finally, for all you Red Man Tobacco chewers out there who are monster truck driver wannabees…Bigfoot is an attraction! He’s an entertainer!! The prospects of seeing him driving down Lincolnway are about the same as having breakfast with Elvis at Wendy’s in Kalamazoo.

Look ahead, Barry. You’re not always going to be physically able to climb up to that cab no matter how you get there; it’s called age. My niece thought it would be cute to have a humming bird tattooed on her breast until I told her when she’s her grandmother’s age that humming bird will be a flamingo.