DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour 

Have you ever been driving down the road and all of a sudden you seem to be getting a message in Morse code from the tail light lens of the vehicle you’re following?

Personally, I can’t read Morse code so whatever message is being conveyed is lost on me. It could be a cry for help (in which case they’re in trouble) or it could be someone telling me to turn to an oldies station because they’re playing a Jimmy Dorsey record. The only message I’m interpreting from this is the person in front of me is a two-legged head case.

If there is an unending stream of cars crawling along California’s legendary 405 during rush hour I can understand how all the brake lights would resemble a massive swarm of red lightning bugs. But when I’m on that same stretch of road at 2:43 a.m. and traffic is light, having the driver in front of you tapping his brakes about every 14.375 seconds can finally get on your nerves. Is he (or she) driving with one foot on the accelerator and one on the brake pedal…and attempting to do the Bristol Stomp? Or is the driver using the same foot for both pedals while doing the Harlem Shuffle simultaneously?

Where this becomes particularly irritating is being behind Fred Astaire up there on a two-lane road where passing opportunities are practically non-existent. The amount of times you’d be subjected to this light show – especially when driving on curvy or mountainous roads – could eventually cause a migraine and you could become blinded by the pain and do a Superman off a 5,000-foot road. But unlike Clark Kent…you ain’t going to make a soft landing, Lenny.



Like most things I rant about I have a solution, but again, like most things I rant about, nothing will be done about my sage advice. I propose a sensor be installed for when the speed limit exceeds 45 miles per hour that will only allow the enabling of brake lights 6 times per 15 minute increment.

There will be no time limit on how long the brake pedal can be depressed (as long as its held down and not pumped) because to be fair, maybe the vehicle in front of Gregory Hines up there is making a turn and has the better part of the day to do it. But…the remaining five times will be at the prerogative of the driver him-, or herself. Furthermore, unused brake-pedal deployment does not carry over to the next 15-minute time period. If it did that we’d all be back to the infamous Square One.

Should the driver exceed the allotted 6 uses in the 15 minute segment the car will make a violent lurch to the right and depending what the terrain is like over there the offending motorist will either wind up on the shoulder, which would be a good thing, Martha,…or if this isn’t his lucky day, become a steel avalanche. Either way, the only one to blame is the offending driver himself. Any attempt to override this sensor would cause immediate electrocution.

Just to illustrate I’m not completely heartless I would issue this incentive. If any driver goes a complete hour in excess of 45 mph and does not default on his pedal-pushing allotment then an extra depression of the brakes will be issued for each quarter-hour time period until the vehicle is finally stopped and the ignition is turned off. This inducement may not mean much when driving through Kansas, but once you hit western Colorado it could be a lifesaver.

Conversely, however, there should be an equal reward for the poor sap enduring a brake light Fantasia-like movie ahead of him for the past half-hour. If the malfeasant vehicle exceeds the allotted use of pedal pressing, as it’s leaving the road for Door #1 or Door #2, the vehicle following should have his headlights automatically flash out in Morse code, “Have a nice day.”

And to think, my ex-wife accused me of being shallow.