Your car is not a beauty salon


By Al Vinikour 

This may come as a shock to you but there are a lot of things that irk me. One of them is the amount of people who wait until they’re in their car driving to their jobs before they work on their appearance. I’m going to give these people the benefit of the doubt and presume they’ve gone #1 and #2, taken baths or showers and gotten dressed before leaving home. However, when they close the door of their cars and turn on their own local version of “Morning Zoo Radio” they might as well put a barber pole or clever salon sign outside their vehicles.

It’s bad enough to see, or even hear some idiot alongside you as he sings with the radio or with some imaginary symphony orchestra. Even worse is when you’re distracted enough to look over and the first thing you see is somebody brushing their teeth.

Granted, personal hygiene is important…but not when it’s being practiced in a Buick! I sometimes wonder what they people are using for water to rinse out their mouths…or if they just swallow the toothpaste and mouthwash for breakfast. Sometimes they’ve looked over at me while they’re brushing and seeing their mouths foamed up like rabid coyotes is truly frightening.

A more common occurrence is to see women putting on mascara. Usually i
t’s done at stoplights but I’ve even witnessed it being applied on the run. It just makes me want to rent time in a Western Star 18-Wheeler Diesel with a three-foot-high front bumper and when I see this being done, ram into them at the highest rate of speed that I can. Hopefully the impact will jam the mascara brush deep within the eye socket and right into the brain, causing instant death.

Now I don’t really wish anyone dead, but a mascara distracted idiot is already brain dead and they are trying to kill me. Now if some enterprising reporter has enough initiative to report on just what the deceased was doing at the time of impact, it might…just might stop others from doing the same thing. As for me, if I’m not dead, I can always feign chest pains – I’m fat enough to get away with it.

 Women aren’t the only miscreants. I’ve seen guys shaving while driving. I don’t have too much of an objection if the guy is using an electric or battery-powered razor as long as he’s not constantly looking up at the rearview mirror – or even worse, using the mirror on his sun visor. It’s the same skill as picking one’s nose…as long as nobody endangered, have at it.

However…I have literally seen people using a regular razor and shaving cream. There are few roads in America that are smooth enough to pull off something like that. Let this same Bozo try this stunt on I-275 in Michigan and by the time he exits the freeway he’s going to look like Zorro worked his face over.

Among the creepier things that I’ve seen are nearly-bald guys working their hair, trying to get the comb-over effect just right. When they look in their own mirror I’m sure they see some good-looking hunk with a full head of Elvis Presley-like hair. Don’t these dumb asses think that when they get to their destination and walk in to their work place that this comb-over is going to looked like the talking pothole in that annoying Geico commercial?

Getting back to women, an inordinate amount of them apply (or try to apply) moisturizers, rouge (or whatever it’s called nowadays), Clearasil and other facial creams. This poses several hazards, not the least being having hands so greasy and slippery that they could lose control of the steering wheel and wind up hitting the car next to theirs that is driven by a guy shaving with a straight razor; Instead of a “Z” on his cheek this guy could wind up having his hand slip and decapitate himself right in the middle of the 405. Under that scenario it would take you three days to get to LAX because of the horrendous traffic tie-up.

People, stop using America’s roads to “beautify” yourselves. There is no way on earth you’re going to look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney (unless you are Brad Pitt or George Clooney) if you’re a guy…or Emma Peel or Sigourney Weaver if you’re a lady. If you have to, go to bed an hour earlier so you can get up an hour earlier and try making yourself pretty and handsome at home. If the public were meant to use their vehicles to make themselves up I guarantee you that Chevrolet would have a Malibu Salon Edition and Mercedes-Benz would debut their new Tonsilarium Edition at the Frankfurt International Auto Show.

You need to concentrate on your driving…not checking for zits. And you need to stop putting my life in jeopardy.