DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour    

My family tree does not contain many, if any members who had long — or even normal-length legs. Truth be told, if we were dogs we’d be Welsh Corgis (and my family left the Ukraine in the 19th century for the gold-lined streets of Indiana.) There’s absolutely no reason to short-sheet the front seat of a vehicle by installing bottom cushions whose end catches me at mid-thigh. If it catches me at mid-thigh then it would be a tushy rub for someone with normal-length femurs.

This “flaw” is not prevalent in all product lines nor is it germane to any particular segment. I’ve driven extremely low-end models that made me think I was wearing a mini-skirt (this is just a euphemism…not a confession) and by the same token, tested high-end luxury vehicles whose seat length has squeezed off circulation and practically put my legs to sleep. If one is driving long distances on the freeway this could ruin their whole day.

Where are these interior engineers doing their ergonomics testing…Snow White’s village? And is it a matter of cost-savings that so many inches seems to be missing from seat cushion length? I can understand de-contenting sunglass holders (I can understand it…but I don’t have to like it) or even some superfluous cupholder. But I do not understand garroting my legs when I’m trying to drive.

I’ve test-driven some vehicles that actually have adjustable seat cushions. That is, they can be lengthened or shortened to adjust to the driver. Brilliant!!! But if the car industry is not going to offer this type of convenience feature as standard — or even affordable equipment and will only be offering them on high-end luxury segments – then at least do the rest of the working poor a favor and hire some people off the street (you can find them loitering outside the unemployment office of your choice) and put them to work testing the designs of some of your work instead of using Mrs. Michaels’ second-grade class during their recesses.

You wouldn’t make such a potentially-hazardous device for the drivers of Class 8 commercial trucks. You’d have an easier time trying to reason with a Momma grizzly bear whose cubs you’d just eaten than facing a horde of gear jammers walking like Robotron because their thighs have fallen asleep. Eventually, you know, they’ll wake up. In which case, your T-Bills will never mature.

I was going to save this next topic for a future diatribe…but I finished with the seat cushion rant faster than I thought I would, and anyway, this is on a similar subject. Do some manufacturers pay for their shoulder belts by the inch and are trying to save money this way as well? Granted, my girth is somewhere between normal and fat. But I’ve literally been in vehicles where I had to lower the seat back so I could snap the three-point safety belt…and then, when I raised the seat back, put my rib cage at risk.

Others have so much extra room that I could bring a friend. Vehicles designed like the first example are the street versions of an airline captain that floors the brakes immediately upon landing, causing the passengers to lurch forward to the point that if they were all Prussian soldiers with those spikes on their helmet the only ones not impaled would be those Privates who had to sit in the last row. The airline’s landing fees are obviously charged by the foot.

My advice to all vehicle manufacturers is this. Either go to an Old Colonial Buffet or buy the mailing list of Casual Male Big & Tall and use these everyday people to do comfort testing for seat/shoulder belt length. It could be the renaissance for the domestic car industry and could produce a wonderful advertising tag line; “AMERICA’S AUTO INDUSTRY…THE ONLY THING LARGER THAN OUR PATRIOTISM IS OUR CUSTOMERS.

My treat, Detroit.  No charge.