When it comes to windshield wipers — don't play it again, Sam

Tags:

DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour      

I’ve always been fascinated by windshield wipers. I can’t imagine being without them. I would firmly bet the life of any of you that more people use windshield wipers than they do turn signals.


Vehicle windshield wipers weren’t always around. The first window cleaning device was patented in November, 1903, by Mary Anderson, who got the idea from watching street car drivers have to put their arms out the window and use a rolling device to clear their view during bad weather, something my friend Ted tells me he had to do with his Porsche Super 90. The first automatic windshield wiper was patented by Charlotte Bridgewood in 1917. She called her device a “Storm Windshield Cleaner.”

Throughout the years a multitude of window-cleaning devices were developed. Some were vacuum controlled, some were electric and some were even awakened automatically by the feel of raindrops. Some manufacturers even offered heated windshields that would work in conjunction with windshield wipers to remove ice and heavy snow.

There were so many different wiper operations that one could develop motion sickness. Some only had one wiper; most had two going opposite directions from one another. Some had both blades going the same way, making the second blade more of a squeegee to catch any rivulets of water created by the first blade. Some cars had hidden wipers to help keep them free of ice and sleet while others were out there for the world to see.

Now I know what you’re thinking, people. You’re thinking, “Al…what’s to hate about windshield wipers? Also…why doesn’t a brilliant writer like you have a Pulitzer Prize? First of all, thank you for your kind words about my writing. Secondly, I’ll tell you what’s to gripe about windshield wipers.

Actually, it’s not the wipers themselves…but whoever developed the delayed, final swipe when you have just perfectly cleaned your window should be locked in a SuperMax prison cell and forced to watch male-enhancement commercials 24/7. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used washer fluid to clean dust or slush off my windshield…only to watch helplessly as the wiper blade makes one final sweep seconds after the windshield is pristine…and now there’s a streak that generally reaches its zenith at eye level.  You know, I know and even my idiot cousin Dean knows that if you try cleaning it one more time the same scenario is going to repeat itself.

What kind of sadistic Klingon would engineer something like that to ruin the lives of normal, decent people? Someone whose mother should have been found guilty at the Salem Witch Trials in 1692, that’s who!

With today’s economy a driver may be forced to choose between purchasing windshield washer fluid or feeding his family. This poor so and so – let’s call him Tim – may have collected pop bottles to save up money to buy a gallon to last him the entire winter – or hopefully the next two as well. Tim may pull out of the campground that he and his family have been forced to live in and get on the main highway.

However, just his luck that he’s pulled behind a gravel hauler truck with 42 wheels. Since it had snowed the day before the roads are all sloppy, so he pulls far behind the truck and is forced to use a squirt of his precious fluid. There’s nobody behind him and he’s far enough from the gravel hauler that he feels happy knowing his window-cleaning will probably last until he can get to the day-old bread store. As his windshield wipers go off he’s on top of the world…because he can see.

But…what the hell is happening? The built-in, final swipe and the residual slop still on his windshield has just smeared his line of vision. He delays as much as possible but once again he’s forced to use another squirt of fluid. And as happened before…another smear appears. Consequently, the entire gallon of washer fluid was depleted in 2 ½ weeks and then Tim was forced to drive up close to cars and trucks in front of him so that the water coming off their tires would spray enough wetness to clean his windows somewhat…until the dreaded final swipe struck again.

One day, vision from his windshield was almost non-existent and since the roads were dry he was forced to find a snow bank where he could scoop up some snow to try to clean his window. Unfortunately, as he was in the process of gathering the snow…you guessed it…he was struck by a Buick and died instantly.

And who was at fault? Not the driver who hit him; certainly not Tim, who was only doing something to help himself and others around him survive. Nosiree…it was the college-boy engineer who developed the cadence for the windshield wipers – and his soon-to-be-riffed manager who okayed it. It may have taken a few years and a perfect-storm scenario…but it happened. “Weren’t there tests run?” you ask. Sure, but they were probably conducted inside an air-conditioned facility and in place of slush, Perrier or Evian water was used.

So think of this the next time you think the world is alright…and Mr. Final Sweep ruins your day.