Vinyl roofs — bad toupées for cars

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By Al Vinikour   al@motorwayamerica.com

Three of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen are the creepy guy in the Burger King commercials, my ex-wife and the ugliest of them all, modern-day vinyl car roofs. I once was liquored up on Yoohoo and wrote a column of what I’d like to see happen to things that irked me. I said that people who have cars with vinyl roofs should lose their driving privileges…and people who sell and install them should do hard time at a maximum security facility.

I actually received an angry letter from a man whose business is installing vinyl roofs sold by dealers and he said some of his long-time employees have put their kids through school from money earned installing them. Admirable, to be sure, but their children’s education might as well have been funded by drug money.

At one time it was viewed as upscale to have a vinyl roof on your personal vehicle. Hell…even I had one on my 1970 Oldsmobile 98. They fit tight, looked good and even added to the value of the car. Some of the better-looking ones were on the Lincoln Mark IV with an opera window and some Chrysler’s with a Landau Roof.

Skip ahead a decade, however, and many of them looked like peeling skins from very bad sunburns received at the beach or a snake shedding its skin. They were wind-ripped, flapping and darn-right ugly. They were eventually not offered as an option.

However, with the disappearance of vinyl roofs from the factory, aftermarket firms got into the act and worked in conjunction with dealers to offer them as an add-on for those who still felt they looked cool. (Yeah...fans like Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles and Jose Feliciano.) Aftermarket roofs started to appear on vehicles such as Lincolns, Cadillacs, Mercurys, Chryslers and Buicks to name a few. The nation’s highways seemed to become a rolling billboard for “Hair Club for Men.” Except even Sy Sperling, president of Hair Club for Men and an avowed customer wouldn’t put one of these things on his head.

Next time you’re stuck in traffic, take a cheap little survey of those driving vehicles with bad toupées. Chances are 91.365% that the person behind the wheel’s last full-night’s sleep was in the mid-‘70s. I view these poor old-timers as senile victims of an insidious plus to keep them from “taking it with them.” As the bulk of them buy their Grand Marquis or Chrysler 300s on the “Final Purchase Plan” they’re invariably talked into spending more of their kids’ inheritance to have a vinyl roof installed. Maybe the thinking is that by the time it crumbles like a bowl of Rice Krispies the owners of said vehicles will be into real estate.

I have a very dear friend who once said the proper term for aftermarket vinyl roofs is “The Full Cleveland.” I don’t know where this came from or even if it’s true, but since Mike has a steel plate in his head I’ve never had the insensitivity to question him.

It’s a shame that former first lady, Lady Bird Johnson isn’t still around, supervising her campaign to beautify our highways. She could team up with PETA and have all the “dead animals” removed from the roofs of so many vehicles. What a step in the right direction that would be.