DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour    

Just because I primarily listen to talk radio and/or news programs people assume I’m not a fan of music. Sure I am and always have been. Though I can’t understand one thing that Dr. Dre, Iced T or Busta Rhyms says, it must resonate somewhere because today’s youth are infatuated with the noise they call music. Far from being an old square I’ve still maintained my collection of records from hip artists like Perry Como, Eddie Fisher and Sheb Wooley.

Throughout history music has always been a universal language. But don’t try talking to me with you ear-shattering, big-amped audio systems.

I resent the attack on my Eustachian tubes from some 200,000-amp audio system in a moth-eaten 1984 AMC Encore with more rust on it than the U.S.S. Bullhead…and that sub has been sitting on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean since 1945. You can hear those blasters over a half-mile away as they look for prey in the form of human eardrums. Just like the T-Rex they sound like, you can’t outrun them – even in a high-performance Mustang.

Talk about skewed priorities; the usual Beater car probably costs $625 and has about 13 horsepower and a big-bad exhaust can. However…its audio system is often worth $10,000. I’ve seen these vehicles with so many speakers and woof-woofs and tweety-pies and whatever else these audio-idiots load their rides with (See? I’m a with-it guy) that nobody but the driver could shoe-horn themselves into it. I’m convinced that having the Vaseline concession in an area where there are a bunch of Mickey Schorrs and other custom audio shops is the road to riches. If I had one I sure as Hell wouldn’t be sitting here at midnight turning out the pap you’re reading…no matter how entertaining it is.

The described vehicle highlights some indication of what kind of a romantic future this kid has. I seem to remember marching orders from the Big Guy were, “Go forth and procreate.” I don’t think that could be interpreted to mean, “Listen, Lyle…they’re putting the band back together.”

As with everything else one can think of there’s probably an ordinance against excess noise – especially that coming from a Radio Shack cannon. (Then again, there are ordinances in every community regarding mandatory turn signal use, too. Good luck with that, Billy…there are more lightning bugs blinking than vehicles with turn signals flashing.)

If I can be serious for a paragraph, what about the poor people without sight? Can you imagine the abject fear of a sightless person who may be out walking with his guide dog when out of nowhere comes this thumping, earth shaking noise that could mean the dinosaurs have escaped the fences at Jurassic Park? But until local communities start enforcing the laws they have it’s going to be a frightening world for some.

I have a plan. Deputize a group of individuals – each representing a particular age group – and let them reach a consensus of what’s an acceptable noise level. That will be the standard for that community. Should it be exceeded – and the police actually are pro-active in enforcing it – the first stop will result in issuance of a warning ticket.

If there’s a second violation it should result in the loss of a speaker; third violation will find all the speakers, sub-woofer and tweeters removed; fourth violation will make it mandatory for a law enforcement officer to squeeze Krazy Glue into every control knob on the radio; and if by some miracle the noise level is still too high, the county pathologist has permission to remove the offender’s head. Maybe they’ll think twice next time about knowingly breaking the law.

On the surface this may seem a bit harsh but if wiping out a small number of uber-audiofiles makes this a quieter and more refined world…so be it.