DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

Throughout history thievery has been commonly associated with transportation. Stage coaches were robbed repeatedly and often; trains were ravaged by roving gangs of bandits (and bad actors); and in a more personal confrontation, the infamous highwaymen would “earn their livings” stealing from travelers making their way through the wilderness.

But all these dangers together don’t equal the absolute degeneracy and unbridled masochism of the most vile of all criminals…the modern-day toll road.

Toll roads had their beginnings about 2,700 years ago during the regime of somebody whose name I can’t begin to pronounce. It achieved new heights in England (what didn’t?) when commoners needed to traverse land belonging to the King. You just didn’t traipse across the King’s “lawn” per se — you had to pay for the privilege. Considering you may have to ride out of your way for a month or more, the sixpence, or right thumb you’d have to pay was probably worth the price.

America toll roads are generally believed to have started in 1908 and their proliferation generally was helpful in developing a massive amount of new and smoother highways. Before traffic reached epidemic proportions this probably made sense — primarily because the money collected was actually spent on its intended use. But greedy politicians began to realize they had a real cash cow on their hands and rather than let construction bonds expire, they found new reasons to keep them active — like resurfacing the same 10-mile section several years in a row.

Even though I’m generally dumber than a drum, I can’t recall any bonds sold for development of a highway or bridge that have ever been retired.

As the decades advanced and traffic began to build to astronomical proportions, along comes an Envirowizard like “Green” Al Gore (GAG), who alerted the citizens of earth and four neighboring planets how dangerous exhaust gases are to our health and environment. I think of him occasionally when I’m driving up the Tri-State Tollway in Illinois to visit my son. Generally it reaches its strongest power at about minute 25 or 30 when I’m still 1 1/2 miles away from the toll booth waiting to deposit my 40 cents so I can proceed another 12 miles until the cycle repeats itself, around Hinsdale.

About this point I start to lose empathy for the poor polar bear. He’s got his troubles…I’ve got mine…and he does NOT have to pay 40 cents every 10 minutes so he can surround himself with vehicle exhaust for 45 minutes. What about all the lost productivity? What about the horrendous amount of fuel that’s expended at traffic jams throughout the country because of some toll? What about the wear and tear on machinery and like damage to the health of those who may be missing the most important meeting of their lives, or being late for an airplane on the way to go to their favorite Uncle Boris’s funeral.

Instead, they’re giving their change to some poor soul who stands inside of a toll booth to collect penance for the state (Kingdom) while their lives are being shortened about three years per decade? I don’t see “Green” Al Gore (GAG) or any of the other fancy-pied environmentalists waiting in line to pay a 40-cent toll. Noooooo….not them! They’re holding “green” seminars and drinking expensive Fiji water fresh from the tap of a Chesterton, Indiana, sink, developing new ways to save the planet…and help that polar bear freeze his butt off on rebuilt icebergs.

I thought each gallon of gasoline that’s sold has a state and federal tax whose “sole purpose” is to be used for highway maintenance? If the people we elect to not listen to us would use the funds as intended, we would not have to stare down the barrel of a miles-long sea of red lights of vehicles whose drivers are waiting to shell out their money.

Living to a ripe old age loses some of its luster when you achieve it as a chump.