DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

For the most part I think rear spoilers are pretty cool. They look sporty and actually can help a vehicle’s handling. But there’s one major flaw that some of them have, whether factory-installed or aftermarket…I DON’T WANT TO THINK THEY’RE CREEPING UP ON ME IN MY REARVIEW MIRROR!!! When I’m glancing rearward, I want to see if there are any other vehicles close enough to make me to cry out, “Danger, Will Robinson.”

I have the peripheral vision of a frog, in that I can see about 168-degrees. (This probably is the reason I’m so prone to motion sickness.) The downside of this is if I have a vehicle with a spoiler than intrudes in any way to what’s portrayed in my rearview mirror it looks like something is sneaking up on me…and it’s using my trunk lid as a launching pad.

Intellectually, I know that’s not the case, but when you’ve spent as many thousands of hours as I have mixing it up with enemy fighters during intense dog fights you’re keenly aware of what’s at your “six.” (Full discloser: what I really mean is when you’ve spent as many hours playing realistic air combat video games as I have it sharpens your senses to almost super-human measures, so naturally anything that’s in your mind’s eye is going to be a distraction.)

My wife once had a Ford Fusion SE Sport with a factory-installed spoiler and it was not visible in the rearview mirror. However, I have test-driven vehicles that have factory-installed spoilers that look like remnants from Godzilla’s recent stroll through Tokyo are headed my way and no matter what I do I can’t get over the feeling that I’m facing peril from behind.

Most of you are probably too young to remember that when Chrysler was riding high during the Muscle Car era they developed two vehicles — the Dodge Charger Daytona and the Plymouth Superbird – that had a droop nose and a rear spoiler so high you could use it for drilling in the Texas oil fields during weekdays when you weren’t racing. (In order to use vehicles in NASCAR they had to be available to the general public, so Chrysler built 500 of each to legally qualify.) That’s the outer extreme.

Don’t think for one minute that you’re off the hook, Mr. Cleverly-molded-into-the-trunk lid “itty-bitty” spoiler!” Some of these little guys can distract one as much as a pimple on your cheek, that if not eradicated soon would no doubt cause permanent crossed eyes.

Doesn’t anybody ever get in the vehicle and look at it from all angles as a driver would? Or was that “Clarence’s job, and he was sick that day?” I’m always amazed at how much time designers’ heads spend up their own behinds – away from the “glare” of reality. If vehicles are designed for customers…and the customer for a vehicle is a customer, then simple logic would dictate a vehicle should be tested with customers in mind, wouldn’t it? 

I know many of you are waiting to read what kind punishment I recommend for this kind of offense. Well “court is in session and Judge Al is presiding.” First of all, aftermarket spoiler manufactures are totally exempt from any kind of guilt. If someone is buying an aftermarket spoiler at Harley’s Auto Parts Emergency Walk-Up Clinic and it doesn’t work out for them visually…tough! Score one for Harley.

But let’s say you’re buying a vehicle with a factory-installed rear spoiler and it creates a diversion in your rearview mirror. There should be a “build list” that contains the name of whoever designed the spoiler’s location. That person should be brought before a Tribunal in The Hague and found guilty of gross professional negligence. The punishment is a no-brainer. The guilty party should be secured in the driver’s seat and the last thing he (or she) will ever see is the rearview mirror sight of a pair of 7.62 mm. chain guns installed atop the spoiler as they prepare to fire.

Now the designer will take the mental picture of a real distraction …ALL THE WAY TO…well you know where! 

Moral of this story is simple: be the labor great or small…do it right or not at all.