By Christopher A. Sawyer
The Virtual Driver

(March 29, 2015) For some folks, if a little is good, a lot is better, and too much is just right. Thus, if they have need of a pickup, a run-of-the-mill light-duty 4x4 is good, but a heavy-duty model is better. And, if you’re going to go for a heavy-duty model, why not go for the heaviest duty pickup you can afford that doesn’t make you look like an idiot to the neighbors?

There are people who have a legitimate need for a rough-and-tumble truck like the F-350 Super Duty. Folks who work in construction, or have ranches with thousands of acres , or who haul and tow very heavy payloads would love this truck.

It has an in-your-face attitude, oversize features, and a subtlety that… well, that just isn’t subtle. It’s like a Mastiff that is intensely loyal to its owner, never makes a threatening move toward strangers, but eyes all who aren’t part of its inner circle with a level of wariness. You respect that dog.

I respected the F-350 the moment it showed up in the driveway. Covered in dirty snow and ice, it had tossed aside the snow and freezing rain combination that had brought Metro Detroit from a jog to a crawl. As warnings blared over the radio, and the list of traffic accidents piled up, this beast cruised confidently toward its destination. You have to admire that. So I grabbed my camera and recorded the layer of ice, snow and muck on it, then set out onto the road to play.

I could have made a fortune had I possessed a tow rope and some chains. The freezing rain had begun to turn back to just rain, and this coating of water on ice made things treacherous. With the drive selector firmly set in four-wheel high, I ventured out onto the streets and let the torque of the turbocharged 6.7-liter PowerStroke V8 diesel pull me along from just off idle.

Adding power only broke traction, and increased speed to the point where this house-sized vehicle would have trouble stopping. But from the high perch above traffic, it was easy to see beyond the next group of cars and nearly into the next county. From this vantage point, I could judge my speed and braking needs, and use the bulk of the F-350 to intimidate those behind into keeping their distance. Once back at home base, I parked the F-350, slid across the driveway and into the house, waiting for a warmer, brighter day on the morrow.

Clean, dry roads beckoned, and showed that this is not a truck you want to drive every day unless you need its capabilities. Due to its payload capabilities, it is stiffly sprung when you don’t have the inhabitants of a small town and all their possessions in the bed. The diesel engine quietly clatters at idle, under acceleration and, I am convinced, even when it’s shut off.

This is an engine less noisy than in earlier incarnations, but — in combination with the six-speed automatic, four-wheel drive system and massive frame — fully capable of pulling your neighbor’s house down on a bet. Drive it around town and you’ll see 14 mpg on the fuel economy screen. Drive it on the highway and 17+ mpg is possible… if it’s unloaded, the wind is with you and you don’t keep your foot down. Then again, keeping it planted causes the F-350 to pull like the proverbial freight train with no cars attached.

Stopping all this inertia isn’t as scary as you might think, though the distances are long. Ford has fitted with F-350 with all of the electronic nannies you’ll need (and you will) to keep everything under control. Of course, if you do this once too often, you will discover that the deep brown leather covering the seats of this King Ranch edition Super Duty do a marvelous job of hiding, er, digestive indiscretions.

The truth is, however, that only the terminally stupid or masochistic would drive the F-350 like it was a performance vehicle. In fact, the best person for the job of piloting this truck is a ship’s captain as you need some of the same skills to make the F-350 move along. For example, you could dump the throttle and accelerate like an idiot, but progress is best served by a gradual and progressive application of the accelerator pedal. Once you begin to gain speed, it’s best to feather out of the throttle, and ease back to a safe cruising speed. Similarly, braking takes longer than it would in a smaller, lighter vehicle.

Planning ahead allows you to ease into the brakes and come to a dignified stop. But it is in changing heading, turning for you landlubbers in the audience, that is most like piloting a ship. Here you must stay to the outside of your lane without going over, ease out of the throttle ahead of the turn, let the momentum subside and the inertia take over, and brake before you begin the turn. This is like letting the bow wave arrest your forward progress and help point you in your new direction of travel, and you can feel the F-350 gently bob down under braking and up when the brakes are released as you enter the turn.

It’s all rather nautical and undramatic, with your biggest concern being where the extremities of this big box store on wheels are at any moment. Thankfully, they are where you expect them to be, and — except for parking in a lot between other vehicles, there’s little need for worry.

The interior is pretty standard Ford pickup fare, only bigger. The navigation screen juts out from the instrument panel, keeping it perpendicular to the center console below. The King Ranch logo dominates the console storage box (about the size of a small suburban house) and the backs of the front seats below the headrests, and the words “SUPER DUTY” are embossed in capital letters on the panel ahead of the front seat passenger. Bands of “wood” cover the instrument panel’s outer edges and either side of the center stack. It’s like a cabin at the lake, but with more chrome and a better sound system.

The seats are comfortable, and the sightlines are good, augmented by the large, electrically extendable outside mirrors. These have smaller sections below the main mirror that not only show you what smaller craft are in your blind spots, but tell you whether or not you are in your lane. Nice to know, this.

If you are in need of a heavy-duty pickup that gets comparatively decent fuel mileage, and can tow a small town, you owe it to yourself to look at the Ford F-350 Super Duty. If you don’t need all of this capability, however, do yourself a favor and buy a so-called “light-duty” pickup like a F-150.

It won’t demand a king’s ransom in fuel, or bounce you around as much when unladen, or impress those into, uhm, “measuring contests” but it will do everything you want with less fuss, bother and travail.

The Virtual Driver