The shortest distance between two points — across three lanes of traffic

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour 

It’s been proven to me that I don’t hold a monopoly on hate — especially when it comes to annoying driving habits of others. One of my readers sent me an e-mail saying what ticks him off are the “idiot drivers” who cut across three lanes of traffic to turn left. I’ve written previous rants on similar subjects but for the good of my reading public (whom I depend on as an audience for my vitriol) I’m going to use this column to address this exact crime against humanity.

I lived in Chicago for 22 years prior to moving to the Detroit area in 1985. One time in the late-60s I was driving down Clark Street on the way to Hubbard, where my office was located (State & Hubbard). I was in the middle lane, far enough away from the vehicle to my left to safely make a turn. However…as I did so I noticed a blue and white Dodge flashing its light bar at me.

I pulled over, not knowing what I’d done wrong, and was quickly told that it was against the law to cut across another vehicle to make a left-hand turn. I guess I was contrite enough that the officer let me off with a slap on the wrist…and a ten-dollar bill palmed from my hand (ah…those were the days, my friend).

From that moment on I never sinned like that again but I sure have noticed how often this “felony” takes place.

Sometimes it’s done by a vehicle that wants to make a left (or right) turn from the far lane of a residential street. More often, however, the transgression is committed on the freeway, across three lanes of traffic at a high rate of speed. Even I, who was born and raised in the great state of Indiana, know this is dangerous. On freeways there are more obstacles than just cars. There are 18-wheelers and other varieties of trucks just waiting for “something to eat.” It makes one wonder what’s so fascinating about the inside of one’s ass that causes a driver to risk his own life…and those of others around him. Freud would have a field day with a specimen like that. The only way I’d risk that sort of confrontation is if I were driving an M1A2 Abrams tank and I was t-boned by a Buick. I’m pretty sure I’d win that battle – even though I’d probably not know it took place.

If innocent passengers in the errant vehicle or those in surrounding vehicles were hurt or worse it would be tragic. If it just involved a Kenworth twin-screw diesel cab and a 53’ Fruehauf trailer my sympathies would be with the gear jammer who had to waste all those hours filling out paper work for something that wasn’t his fault, and as a result, was late for his daughter’s Bat Mitzvah and his Princess of a wife became so angered she threw him out of the house for good.

As a result he lost all his possessions and was forced to live in an appliance box under a viaduct. Irony of ironies, the mechanic who just fixed and was delivering his truck lost control of the vehicle when he swerved to avoid running over a snail darter…and…you guess it…slammed into poor Saul’s appliance box.  But…I digress.

What I want to know is where the police surveillance for incidents like I’ve described is? Couple that with punishing people who don’t use turn signals and revenue from enforcing just these two laws would bring in so much money that we could emulate Kuwait and import labor from the Philippines to do all the work while American citizens sit around drinking beer, eating pork rinds and watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns.

Road rage and head lice are growing exponentially in the United States so every time some yokel decides to play “Dead Center” and cuts across several lanes of traffic to either turn left or make a freeway exit, he or she is adding to the problem. It may be drastic but I’m not against a citizen posse arrest of life-threatening citizens like I’ve described.

Within three minutes the miscreant can be stopped, cited, sentenced and hung — causing a minimum of traffic congestion. Bodies swinging from light poles would send the message that laws are enforced by a citizens’ patrol and you’d better hope to God you don’t piss them off by driving dangerously.

Grow a spine, America!