Sharing the highway with raccoons

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

How many times have you been driving down the highway (does anybody drive up the highway?) at dusk — especially during inclement weather — and at the last minute you see a car coming toward you in the opposite lane at the last minute…because the head case doesn’t have his lights on? Or if there are lights on they’re dulled parking lights (wait a minute…the PC term for parking lights is now “fender lights.”).


Sometimes the only way you can actually see such a mis
creant is because his vehicle is (fortunately) silhouetted by the headlights of those cars behind him. (You aren’t immune from this charge, Ladies.  It’s just easier to type one word instead of constantly saying “him or her.”) This offense is every bit as life-threatening as someone running a red light or weaving all over the road because of cell phone use.

I say “Raccoons” in the headline because a raccoon is a nocturnal animal. Apparently people who drive without their headlights on must have some raccoon or other nighttime animal like an opossum or an owl in their woodpile because they might be able to see the rest of us…but we sure as hell can’t easily see the likes of him.

As I’ve written about in previous diatribes, sometimes you can flash your lights enough that the oncoming bat realizes “that could be some kind of message!” Or he could be totally brain dead and wonder what jerk is trying to laser him to death by flashing his headlights. (Let’s just name this guy “Russ”). In LA if you flash your lights they just may shoot you.

As often as this happens it opens up another opportunity for the government to do for those who can’t seem to be able to do for themselves. NHTSA will be “forced” to require all automakers to install “automatic on” sensors that detect when conditions arise where it’s safer for the driver to have his headlights on (like going through a tunnel).

As of this writing there are a number of vehicles that have this function but more are needed still because of dunderheads like Russ. However, because of Russ’s intelligence and perception deficiency the sensor would have to be installed in a permanent “on” position as opposed to it being a choice because if our dumb-assed friend can’t think to turn on his headlights in the darkness he sure as hell isn’t going to remember to turn on the light sensor, either.

There also should be sufficient punishment meted out for violators of the headlights-on law – of which every state in the union has one. Like every other sick form of punishment I’ve suggested this should be done in various degrees – depending on the number of times the law is broken. For instance, the first time a driver is stopped at dusk or later without any headlights on the officer should just issue a warning – depending on the remorse shown by the law breaker as the officer is speaking with him. (Let’s get this out of the way, first. If the officer immediately gets an attitude from the driver he’s just pulled over then he should be given “shoot to kill” authorization.

It will hold up in court because someone driving at night with no headlights – and one that can’t be seen by other drivers – is technically committing “attempted murder” on a mass scale and should be considered “armed and dangerous” by the policeman. He may not be packing a gun but is behind the wheel of a “two-ton weapon.” For the sake of discussion we’ll assume all the drivers to be discussed were polite and deferential to law enforcement.) If no other violations of this law occur in the next year then the warning is expunged from his driving record and he starts out by being given a warning if and when the offense reoccurs.

For the second time this violation occurs within a year then a message has to be sent. The degree of the punishment will be totally up to the presiding judge, who was selected from a short list of the most notorious “hanging judges” in the state. “Fines” can run from temporary suspension of driving privileges…to temporary suspension of blood flow.

God help the driver if he’s stopped for a third violation within that same year. This is grounds for instant castration by the Biology 101 class at the local junior high. (Since few women qualify under this punishment they’ll be required to spend six months working for Miss Kitty, servicing cattle drivers who have been on the trail for three months before riding into town.

Finally there’s that fourth violation. If it ever got to that it would be obvious that the court is dealing with a serial law breaker whose past conduct exhibits a clear picture of one who will never be rehabilitated. Consequently, a four-time loser will be just that. He will have all four of his limbs permanently removed at the hip and shoulder joints, have his name legally changed to “Mat,” and be forced to do his community service as the lead agent in charge of breaking up dog fights – specializing in pit bulls.

Do you see a pattern developing here? (No, not that I’m certifiable.) There are way too many cars on the road and too much potential for loss of life by someone neglecting to do something as simple as putting on his headlights so his presence will go detected by his fellow drivers. If he doesn’t do this on a regular basis he puts no value on human life – especially for members of my own family. And since there’s no such thing as Soylent Green (that we know of), he has to pay in other ways.

Most of you may think I’m nuts…like my doctors do…but I’m just trying to make our highways a safer place for all of us to be. Either every driver will learn to drive respectfully and show some concern for the lives of others…or good luck to them at the Chinese buffet.