By Al Vinikour  al@motorwayamerica.com

As rumored for some time, General Motors recently announced it would cease production of its fabled Pontiac Motor Division and the brand would be terminated. With this edict a large element of automotive history will be just that…history. Pontiac has long been known as the “Performance Division,” and had the products to prove it.

Who among us forced to eat oatmeal with extra fiber can forget such icons as the GTO, Bonneville, Star Chief, TriPower, Wide Track, Mickey Thompson, John Z. DeLorean and a host of other innovations and innovators. Even the Division’s advertising slogan was “We build excitement!” Life didn’t get much better than that and Pontiac was consistently vying with its late sister division, Oldsmobile, for the #3 sales position.

But the real loser in all this turmoil is an oft-neglected member of the automotive industry – one that doesn’t have an association or professional lobbyers – nor a public relations staff to sing its praises throughout the world. I’m of course referring to the cladding manufacturers.

The first display of cladding-overdose was on the 1987 Ford Mustang GT. It was apparent Ford designers created clay renderings and then hired Olympic discus throwers – armed with sheets of cladding – to aim towards the model and throw. Whatever stuck was then blended into the outer skin and became part of the finished product.


Best use of cladding — the 2001 Pontiac Aztek and the 2001 Pontiac Montana

The new Mustang GT’s appearance led to a number of prestigious industry awards like the Cladding Research Automotive Presentation’s (CRAP) “Crappy” and the Universal Generational Limpid of the Year (UGLY) “Skank.” It was readily apparent that cladding had found a home in the auto industry.

However, Ford’s cross-county rivals at Pontiac had begun working on the relatively-modern science of cladding for years and used sparingly in a number of vehicles, like the Grand Am and the later-model Grand Prix. It was said by scientists at the world-famous Sam Houston Institute of Technology that Pontiac vehicles were becoming the automotive equivalent of sod farms for cladding.

But the ultimate example of cladding-gone-wild was the Pontiac Aztek – a morphadite of an SUV that was foisted on the public between 2001 and 2005. It even offered an aftermarket camping set that could turn the Aztek into a personal trailer. In truth, however, it looked more like it should be called the Aztek “Birthing Edition.” The amount of cladding used on the earlier-model Azteks equaled the GDP of many third-world countries. However, those who had the foresight to invest in cladding futures were purchasing weekend homes in Malibu and ocean-going yachts.

Eventually the consumer market recovered from five years worth of dry heaves and the Aztek was put to death. All the excess cladding – which no doubt filled up a number of former hangars from Pan American and Eastern Air Lines –was used sparingly (for them) on other Pontiac models. Although never rising to levels during its hey-day, cladding stocks still continued to be a large portion in the majority of mutual funds.

Then the word came down that Pontiac Division would soon be history. The run on Wall Street to dump cladding stocks equaled the panic on Black Thursday, in 1929. It was said that some Pontiac owners removed the cladding from their vehicles and tried to horde it in the event that the sell-off backfired on the panicked public. However, along came an independent financier and part-time scientist named Bob Kiss. He bought up all Pontiac’s unused cladding – and as much as he could by from other manufacturers – and discovered he could melt it down…and blend it with rutabagas…to create the next-generation E85. This discovery has the potential to create jobs for thousands of unemployed autoworkers…and create a world-class economy for the tiny African nation of Guinea Bissau, said to have the largest surplus of rutabagas on the planet. This doesn’t even mention the potential to rid ourselves of dependence on foreign oil.

The cladding industry was very close to becoming the next Enron. However, with a never-say-die attitude, and government stimulus money, Pontiac just may become the financial organ donor our country needed. We’ll always remember Pontiac as the storied brand that gave the world cladding. Chief Pontiac…we’ll never forget you.