DRIVER'S SIDE DIATIBE
By Al Vinikour  

As near as I can tell pot holes serve one purpose; to remind us taxpayers how royally screwed we’ve been getting since highway maintenance became a “ward of the state.” Over the past several decades billions, if not trillions of dollars have been spent to allegedly improve the nation’s roads. Instead, all it has given us is a feel for what it must have felt like flying throughflack in a B-17.

It seems like there’s two different kinds of road repairs: major construction that sometimes blocks lanes or totally closes roads for periods up to a year or two, or if you’re in Los Angeles make that three; or the kind that most of us are subject to – a work truck full of employees who seem to be engaged in a game of Asphalt Olympics. The rules of this game are simple; take a shovel full of blacktop and see how close to the pothole you can throw it. The winner gets to sit the next hole out.

At one time road repair was carefully done and before it was declared fixed either a steam roller or some of the workmen tamping down the patch job would be required. Not anymore, Rollo. Ever since the highway department realized they could get away with moving on and letting the first several dozen cars driving over the patch job in the hopes of flattening it out it became the order of the day. That’s the reason why on heavily-repaired stretches of road there are so many bumps which naturally causes a rough ride for the occupants of vehicles until the inevitable undoing of the repair itself. Just like the lesson of the Lion King, this completes the “Circle of Life.”

Municipalities will swear on a stack of Bibles (as long as the Bibles’ locations are not made known to the ACLU, who no doubt would sue to make the promise null and void) that because of greatly-reduced revenue from the state and federal governments there isn’t the opportunity to do anything but a slap-dash job.

Since my column is read in family publications I’ll clean up my response to that kind of reasoning and simply say, “Male Cow Merde.” An example of my “findings” is the fact I’ve lived in Michigan since the mid-‘80s and twice since I’ve lived here we’ve had a hefty tax increase tacked on to the other taxes added to each gallon of gasoline. Both times the reason for said increase was to earmark the anticipated revenue to repair the state’s infrastructure — specifically our crumbling highway system.

Sasquatch would know what happened next; the “earmarked” money went into the general fund and was used no doubt for some member of the State Legislature’s pet project for his district so he can keep his “good deeds” up front and personal with his constituents. As a result we have perhaps the poorest roads in America.

A "pothole filler" in Cincinnati

It’s the same thing on the national level. Congress will bellyache about our crumbling infrastructure like the danger all of us face from eroding bridges, potholes that can eat an 18-wheeler for breakfast and slick surfaces that can’t hold traction during inclement weather. So whose fault is that, Senator Bunko? For what the taxpayers are spending for a six-year study of the breeding habits of pygmy ants in the district of Representative Fullocrap, every pothole, stress crack and bridge in the entire state could have been professionally repaired and kept that way for over a decade.

Factor in the other 434 districts and 50 states and we might once again have the beginnings of a country that works. Potholes are not only destructive and costly but inherently dangerous. I don’t know about you but the day my family winds up in the hospital (or worse) because the money that could have been used to put up stop signs at dangerous country intersections was instead used to build a warehouse named after the district’s congressman that will store obsolete typewriters, this egomaniac better invest in some body armor.

I’m not letting highway crews off the hook, either. Generally I come down in favor of workers nine times out of ten. But just watch the body language of these guys the next time they’re (finally) repairing (if you can call it that) a stretch of road that’s been a safety hazard for months. I guarantee you you’ll remember an old joke, “What’s orange and sleeps five?”  The answer is “A state highway truck.”

There’s no reason for our infrastructure to be the way it is. Instead of giving billions to those countries who hate us we should show that two can play that game. We’ll use the money for our own purposes (after all…WE are the ones paying the money) and just to show we’re a country who cares we’ll dedicate sections of highways to those country’s whose attitudes are responsible for us putting our own money to good use – where it will be appreciated. Then the only holes on our nation’s roads are the A-holes who are dangerous drivers. But that’s fodder for another rant.