Nice flying Master Luke!

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

Like millions of others I’m a fan of the Star Wars series. And as an aviation aficionado I was always bedazzled by the X-Wing Fighters. Their maneuverability was impressive and since I’m generally prone to motion sickness I stood in awe of those who could fly an aircraft with such rapid movement without having a windscreen full of peanut butter and jelly capsules. Lately, however, I’ve noticed that training areas for X-Wing Flight School seems to be the interstate highway system.

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A few days ago I was driving down this freeway in Detroit amid moderate traffic. I was in the middle lane, when all-of-a-sudden what can only have been an intergalactic form began to weave in and out of all three lanes of traffic like some Category 67 tornado in southern Kansas. It was jinking to such an extent that a Sidewinder missile couldn’t have gotten a lock on it. Finally, it emerged from its blur to reveal itself to be the UFO I thought it was…a Daewoo Lanos — a vehicle almost as rare as a celestial unicorn —  but you’d probably have a better chance of seeing the horny horse than the Daewoo.

I began to watch for these freeway-based land rockets and was amazed at how many of these things are “flown” daily. These drivers (mostly male) obviously have something to prove by equating their manhood to their driving skills.

It doesn’t do any good to pretend you’re in a pickup expressway basketball game and you then try to block them out because they’ll engage in a game of “chicken” that you will not win. When you’re pitting a new Malibu against a Beater car comprised of a rod-knocking engine, a 12” exhaust can, a $10,000 audio system and Lo-Rider shocks you might as well reserve your place in line at the Chevy dealer’s body shop.  (When’s the last time you saw a “Beater Repair Shop?”)

There’s really no standard action that can be taken to stem this life-threatening macho madness so I’m going to offer up a solution – harsh as it may seem. All the local, state and federal budget cuts these past few years have sadly resulted in the layoffs of thousands of law enforcement officers. However, most of them still have viable weapons permits. Everyone knows that if you don’t keep up with skills like shooting you tend to lose proficiency. Here’s a chance for a win-win for everyone (except the stupid idiots who are endangering lives by carrying out the unwritten orders of Lord Vader).

Strike up a discount deal with the closest Cabela’s or Bass Pro Shop to buy hunting rifles and sniper scopes for rock-bottom prices. While there a discount deal can be made on quantities of comfortable lawn chairs. At various locations throughout the area these former officers can apply to join an elite squad named “Freeway Monitors,” whose sole purpose is to sit on overpasses and watch for any excess lane changes from erratic drivers below. What constitutes “erratic” will be left to the discretion of the Monitors because they’ve been trained throughout their careers to use their best judgment on conditions.

Should a Monitor witness a dangerous situation developing because some AWOL pilot from the Planet Zorbon’s Air Force is trying to maintain his own proficiency, the Monitor is authorized to “shoot to disable” the car of the offending driver — decorated pilot or not. However, the Monitor must also draw on his own threat assessment to vehicles in the immediate vicinity of what could be a runaway vehicle — in other words, a two-ton hurtling mass of iron.

This scenario has lots of implications. Most importantly, after word gets around about the new Freeway Monitor squad there will be a significant drop in highway incidents. At the same time it will employ thousands of out-of-work peace officers (the money could easily come from the Stimulus Package).

The bottom line is this, Mr. Potential Offender (and soon-to-be-carless miscreant): you can either obey the law by driving safely and stop being a threat to those around you…or you can face the wrath of a disgruntled former cop who is sitting in a lawn chair atop a freeway overpass, higher-than-a-kite on Orange Crush, who has nothing to do all day but stew on how circumstances beyond his control really threw a wrench into his formerly-normal life.

The only thing in your favor is….you’ll never hear it coming. And the world will be less one Daewoo Lanos.