DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour        

Yesterday I was rushing home from a meeting because my wife told me she made deviled eggs. Normally I would wonder what she did to make her feel guilty enough to prepare my favorite treat but at this point I didn’t care. However, I was blinded by the sunlight reflecting off the Dodge in front of me and for a few seconds, lost sight of the road. I could have easily crashed and burned…meaning I never would have had my deviled eggs.

For years I’ve felt that I’ve become the personal target for some alien being from the Planet Uranus who takes some perverse joy in bouncing laser beams off automotive glass, right into my eyes. I could be behind a family sedan, a sports coupe…hell, I’ve even been behind a Western Star Class 8 twin-screw diesel towing a 53’ Dorsey trailer and been “shot at” by sun-sponsored light beams that are hell bent on putting an end to my vision.

As mentioned, what’s really bad is the temporary loss of vision. It would be very easy to miss some (dumb) Smart Car pulling alongside you, or worse, if you’re on a local street, endanger the life of pedestrians. With the auto industry’s collective know-how couldn’t cars be equipped with non-reflective glass – not only the back glass but all the way around? I’ve also had cars following me whose windshields have caused reflective beams to zap me through my own rearview mirror. Felons with outstanding warrants have not been dogged as much as my eyeballs have been from the sun.

And the ocular attacks aren’t restricted to moving vehicles. Nosiree! I’ve been sitting in restaurants, trying to read what’s on the Early-Bird Specials, when all of a sudden…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzpppppppp!!! I’m hit in the retina(s) by a laser bolt coming off the windshield of a Buick parked outside the building. This is not only annoying but potentially hazardous to others in my vicinity. What if someone at the next table was choking on a piece of steak (or tofu, if you’re so inclined) and I was proficient at the Heimlich maneuver.

I could have just been zapped by a beam from the aforementioned Buick and in my state of temporary blindness couldn’t see who was choking nearby, let alone see where I needed to apply pressure? Because the manufacturer was so cost-conscious that they wouldn’t spend an extra few dollars per vehicle to install non-reflective glass the death of an innocent diner would be on their hands. And what if the deceased family members had weak hearts or breathing difficulties? They could be collateral damage.

I’ve said it before and nobody is apparently listening: when are vehicles going to be designed for real-world situations? It’s great to have things like passive restraints, stability control, collision avoidance, etc. But why not think of safety devices that could put a potential accident one step further from happening? And I would think that anything dealing with sight should be among the top concerns. As the old Lichtensteinian adage goes, “Without vision you’ll have a collision.”

Another of Al’s Law of Probability is this: Not one of the sun’s rays will penetrate a wind tunnel or a windowless, cinderblock design studio. Develop what passes for non-reflective glass and then have a truck-load sent to the middle of Death Valley in mid-July. There are 360-degrees in a circle. Put the glass on a rotating drum and run it slowly through every degree and chronicle where the rays disperse. Months of careful testing should prove once and for all the hazards a blinding sun can do to a driver…and his potential victims.

Who knows…my neighbor’s cat Ramone might still be alive if a driver who’d been blinded by the sun had seen him in time to stop his Lincoln from ruining Ramone’s entire day.