I hate sunroofs!!

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour      

As regular readers of my diatribes have probably determined, I’m filled with more hate than a Super Bowl filled with Detroit Lions season ticket holders. However, there are some things I find more hateful than others…and one of them is a car’s sunroof.  Call it what you want…a sunroof, moonroof or even a Marsroof…I hate them!


It all started when I had the second of my two mid-life crisis cars – a 1985 Mustang GT coupe with a 5-speed manual. The car came with a sunroof. Trouble was…there was no way to block the sun when it beat in on my balding head. There were some black specs imbedded in the glass that I suspect were there to cause a barrier between my head and the skin cancer that no doubt now ravages through my body. These dots were basically the proverbial pimples on the butt of an elephant for all the good they did.

I used to wake up in the morning and throw a feathered spear in the air and pray to all idolsand false Gods that it would be a cloudy day. I’d even settle for rain…BUT NO CLOUDLESS, SUNNY DAY!!!! Eventually I got rid of the Mustang. I could handle the fact that because it had a high-performance V8 it tended to drive sideways on snowy roads; I could even handle the shutdown my kidneys were subjected to because the GT had a ride that resembled that of a worn-out 1968 Class 8 Brockway Diesel. But I couldn’t handle the phenomenon of my hairless head resembling an Argentine soccer ball.

I have owned many vehicles since 1985 and some even had sunroofs (or moonroofs if you must). However, the only way I’d be aware of it is if I happened to read the Monroney label and saw it there…because I sure as hell wasn’t going to use it. (All my other cars had a sliding panel that kept any light out from the “hole in the head” the vehicles came out of the factory with.

I drive press vehicles to evaluate and write about them and lately I’ve noticed a few of them have foregone the sliding panel in favor of a meshed screen. Granted, it keeps most of the heat out of the car…but what about those who are descendants of the legendary Dracula from Romania? They can NOT have any daylight sneaking in to anything they spend daytime hours in. That would mean that either car manufacturers are going to have to ensure that no sunrays sneak into a vehicle’s interior…or at least put a warning label inside the vehicle that says something like:
  
WARNING
EXPOSURE TO SUNLIGHT LEAKING THROUGH
THE SUNROOF COULD LEAD TO A
CRUMBLING OF BONES AND
RESULT IN TOTAL DISINTEGRATION OF SKELETAL STRUCTURE

This will no doubt be demanded by the Dracula’s attorney, who will be happy to sue if one drop of sun ever causes harm to one inch of his client’s centuries-old skin.


I’m not saying sunroofs aren’t useful for some things – like some scantily-clothed babe standing up through the roof and throwing candy to the crowd at a parade. But how many pathetic so and so’s have you seen driving down the highway with their sunroof open and both hands hanging out the top, tapping out the theme to Barney while thinking to themselves, “Doot doot do doot doot doot…life been good to me!”

I guarantee you that at some point du
ring that ride there is going to be something ranging from a bee to a pterodactyl that’s going to sting their hands. (Besides...how are they steering the car?) What action will some tort lawyer take to warn about that…demand the OEM’s install a bug zapper with each sunroof?

It’s never going to end, Wally.