DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour

How many times have you been driving on a freeway and you’re coming up to a construction zone where one or more lanes are being temporarily shut down. You’re paying your dues, sticking to the lane you’re supposed to be in, when all of a sudden you’re “strafed” at your nine o’clock position, not by a Messerschmitt or a MiG…but by a bandit in a Lexus!

Rather than wait for an opportunity to safely ease into traffic, this insensitive dolt goes as far as he can in the lane that’s about to end — because it’s moving faster — and is counting on some wimp to let him pull over. “Mission Accomplished,” as far as the miscreant is concerned. You don’t have to be a geneticist to deduce his parents were brother and sister.

I will admit that occasionally it’s not always possible to ease one’s way into another lane — but that’s as much philanthropy as you’re getting from me. Courtesy from one side generally begets civility from the other. It’s just like someone waiting to pull out into traffic from a 7-11. If I’m waiting for a light I’ll generally let him pull out in front of me. But only one to a customer. I am not big on letting a procession of cars and pickups take advantage of (up to then) my good nature.

It seems to me that there is some kind of statute that makes it illegal during road construction to drive the length of the entry lane and cut over at the last second in front of other vehicles. If there is it must have been lost with the laws that make it mandatory to use turn signals and the other laws that state turning left at an intersection does not mean “Red plus Four.” Short of an ambulance or other emergency vehicle, God help the appendage that tries to pull this stunt on me. (The only exception would be if I look at the person and it’s someone other than a kid or an older person – in other words — someone I know I can’t beat up.)

There’s a simple enough solution to stop this sort of thing and as usual it came to me half-way through a bottle of Yoo Hoo. A forward-looking sensor should be installed in a vehicle’s grille that’s only activated by waves emitted by orange construction signs (Hey…it’s my diatribe…come up with your own solution!) and should a driver choose to keep on going to the end of his lane rather than politely trying to ease in to the moving lane at an earlier opportunity, the vehicle’s engine should seize up and can only be restarted when the signs are removed – be it later that hour, later that day or later that year.

Several purposes will be served by this technological marvel: there will be another vehicle between the road workers and oncoming traffic so it will serve as an extra safety barrier; it will force other drivers to move into the open lane much earlier than their grubby, perverted ideas would have normally; and it would have the long range effect of driver indoctrination. The downside, however, would be less business for proctologists but that may be a good thing?

If you are the kind of person like I’ve described above I would practice driving courtesy, driver safety and just plain common sense. Just remember…the only reason you’re not already in Hell is because your apartment is not r eady for occupancy. Keep on pulling the stunts you have been pulling and you’re truly going to find out what “going to the head of the line” means.