DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour 

On last night’s news there was a film clip about the first anniversary of the death of four teenagers who were going out to get a pizza before each went home to do their homework. On the way they were smashed into by a drunk driver…and all four of the kids were killed. Not the drunken slob who killed them, however.

She was so blitzed she wouldn’t have died if she’d run into an M1A1 Abrams tank. She hadn’t been hurt all the other times she drove drunk — with or without a license. This loser has been behind bars for an entire year awaiting her trial, which begins shortly. I tried to imagine myself in the shoes of the grieving parents, families and friends of the four kids — all of whom will never be the same. Thankfully I couldn’t.

There is never a reason to get behind the wheel when you’ve had too much to drink – for any reason! If a person has such a problem with alcohol that they can’t constrain themselves there is always some other way to be transported or someone who will arrange for you to get home.

In the wrong hands a car is in essence a two-ton missile with enough killing power to wipe out an entire family in the blink of an eye. I historically write rants that almost always are over the top regarding punishment that should be meted out. Even though there’s always some semblance of truth in all of them, most are written satirically to entertain my readers and vent my spleen. As much as I abhor drivers who do not use turn signals, in all honestly I don’t think I want their arms chewed off by a rabid grizzly bear.

People who continue to make left-hand turns after the stoplight has turned red should face some sort of punishment…but my thoughts of having them mauled to death by a syphilitic pit bull may be a bit harsh. But someone who drives while drunk and winds up taking the lives of innocent people should face the most horrible form of deaths imaginable. There is no such thing as “too far over the top” when it comes to ensuring that the drunken driver will never see another day as he or she ever knows one.

There are various degrees of punishment I’m calling for when it comes to drunk driving. If a police officer pulls over some driver at 3:a.m. who is weaving all over the road and the person blows out a breathalyzer then at the very least he or she should be water-boarded with a bottle of Jack Daniels until the promise of the driver to never, ever do that again is believed by a panel of three.

If a drunk driver causes an accident but there’s no loss of life then the victim should be the recipient of a new car of his or her choice and if the offending driver can’t afford to pay for one then he or she should be dressed in a pink t-shirt and nothing else and turned loose in a prison exercise yard while the guards are off somewhere having a smoke.

If there’s an accident with injuries because of being clobbered by a drunk driver the offender should have both his arms and legs removed and honey should be painted all over his genitalia in Churchill, Manitoba (Canada) during the Polar Bear Festival.

And then there are the bigger penalties. Should a drunk driver be responsible for the death of a pedestrian he should be hung by the neck until dead from the largest tree at the former residence of the victim. However, the deceased’s family has the option of having the guilty staked down on the road and repeatedly run over by a steam roller until the body resembles a flattened Gumby – albeit a red one from all the squished blood.

And God forbid if it’s a member of my own family who’s killed by a drunk driver. In that case I reserve the right to transport his soon-to-be-dead-ass to the Caribbean, marinate his body for several hours in a chum bucket and let him dangle from end of a gaff hook until every shark in the hemisphere has been alerted to the free buffet that’s now being offered at the Chez Chris Craft.

I’m all-too-aware of alcoholism being a disease. I’ve seen it first-hand in my former wife’s family. (My family members just constantly overeat; drinking might cause them to lose their place in the buffet line – no harm in that is there? They’re not going to crash into a school bus because they’re high on potato salad.) However, the worst disease of all is negligence and once negligence results in the premature deaths of somebody’s loved ones there’s no amount of apologies that’s going to bring them back. Leaving a few bodies ravaged by fire ants in a public square gives a better visual than all the “Drink Responsibly” lectures in the world.

Finally, if there’s still a family member of the recently-deceased drunk driver who is insensitive enough to still want a burial for his lower than dirt relative the law should make it mandatory for the headstone of every person who caused a death from driving intoxicated to be in the shape of a Jim Beam bottle, in day-glo orange, with the inscription: “Here lies [fill in the blanks], whose complete disregard for human life caused him to take an innocent by-stander’s because of the importance he (or she) put on drinking.”

EVERYBODY will be able to see that grave marker throughout the cemetery and also from the road passing by it. If they get angered enough to want to vandalize the headstone…no problem. The driver’s family will pay to have it replaced and no charges will ever be brought against the vandals.

As I indicated earlier, most of the time I’m over the top for effect. This time I’m preaching the gospel as believed by Al. You want to drink?  Stay home and do it! Want to drive? Have at it…it’s a privilege that comes with your driver’s license. Want to drink AND drive? Then be prepared to die; they should be one and the same.