DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

For years I’ve pounded the keyboard complaining about people who don’t use turn signals. I’ve even suggested to various municipalities that they use failure to signal laws as a revenue source that would far outperform speeding in terms of being a cash cow.

Hell, with all the other specialties in this world a town could be famous for their “Turn Signal Court.” Second only to people who should die because they consistently and purposely fail to USE their turn signals are those who use their turn signals…but for some reason leave them on.

There are many reasons for this. Nearly 100 percent of the time the turn signal will go off after a turn is completed. That’s what they’re supposed to do and why they’re constructed the way they are. So, you’re wondering, why would a car in front of me be in his fifth mile with a left (or right) turn signal still blinking? There are several reasons for this. One might be that the person used his signal to change lanes and pushed it too hard, engaging it permanently. And because he’s either deaf and/or stupid, never notices that the signal is still on.

Secondly, he or she also might have gotten a sleeve caught in the turn signal mechanism, thus engaging the arm. And because he or she is either deaf and/or stupid, doesn’t notice that the signal is still on. (This is known in journalism circles as “redundant.”)

Some auto manufacturers have a solution to this dilemma. For instance, Jaguar has such a loud clicking noise to indicate a turn signal is activated that it sounds like an invasion of Cicadas you don’t have to wait 17 years to encounter. Others, and I don’t know why this isn’t adopted across the entire spectrum of worldwide auto manufacturing, after a certain distance — generally a half-mile or so — the turn signal is automatically deactivated.

Golly, Bob Howdy!!!!! What a concept…driver-friendly technology!!! It’s sort of like the turning equivalent of vehicles who turn off power to the headlights when the vehicle is shut off, thus negating the “You left your headlights on” chant.

There’s an innocent victim that is penalized by some idiot not knowing his turn signal is still on; the poor bastard driving behind him. What’s pathetic about this is that at almost every street intersection the following vehicle sub-consciously slows down, thinking that the guy in front is finally going to turn.

I have a personal story to relate that proves my point. I recently had a fairly severe case of bronchitis, probably brought on by the fact I wasn’t upgraded to first class coming back from San Diego and had to sit in coach with “them.” I developed such a severe cough that I actually broke two ribs (#7 and #8 for those fantasy rib-breaking fans). Any movement was excruciating. Coughing was painful and I sneezed once that brought back acid flashbacks of an all-expenses trip I had to Hiroshima and Nagasaki in August 1945.

As if to make matters worse…which it did…any kind of movement of the vehicle other than cruising down the boulevard was felt by my cracked ribs. So after a mile or two of being tortured to death by the soon-to-be-murdered guy in front of me I dropped back and let a few cars get ahead of me. A lot of good that did! The guy who took my place because of Blinker Boy had to slow down like I did every block or so…and the guy in front of me was one of those restless leg syndrome sufferers who couldn’t stop tap-dancing on his brake pedal, which made me brake incessantly.

Had I not received medical treatment that involved four days in a hospital (that, by the way, had GREAT egg salad) I would have soon erupted like Mt. St. Helens if I encountered another person whose driving caused me to have more searing pains in my poor ribs. I’m much better now, thank you, but just got back from getting my wife some chicken wings at Happy’s Pizza and wouldn’t you know it, I got boxed in behind ANOTHER terrorist whose right turn signal was on the entire three miles of my drive.

What a difference a week makes. Before my hospital stay I would have wanted to have this guy staked to a mound of red ants after he’d been painted with honey. Now that I’m feeling much better I just wanted this guy to die a quick death. Nothing like a hospital stay to put your priorities in order. I owe it to my readers.

Finally, when I was in the airfreight business we’d sometimes have a route change that involved flying over a country for which we didn’t have overfly rights. We’d call back to dispatch in the U.S. and invariably a flustered girl I’ll call Tina would hyper-ventilate and finally say, “Just go!”

I feel the same way about Turn Signal Man. If you FINALLY notice your signal has been on for a while…JUST TURN.