DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

As usually happens during the summer months there have been bunch of car shows ranging from high-performance models to classics. Generally the only time I pay attention to things like that is to find out where the shows are being held so I can make sure I don’t go that way. I hate crowds. But when there are literally thousands of classic and antique cars that show up in a city for an event as world-famous as Detroit’s Woodward Dream Cruise then it’s hard to avoid seeing these vehicles up close and personal.

Studying fine bodies has always been a hobby of mine. However, as I’ve gotten older I now pay attention to four-wheeled conveyances rather than two-legged hotties. And lately I’ve begun to notice characteristics and similarities of what was built then (as opposed to “stacked”) and what cars are like today. And do you know what the one thing that’s universal? Size, both external and interior.

The EPA classifies vehicles in a number of categories like compact, sub-compact, mid-size, full-size, etc. When I recently looked at a vehicle that was listed as “full-size” I started comparing it to the larger cars of my youth, like Cadillacs, Lincolns, Packards, Hudsons and others.

THOSE were full-size cars. I may be dating myself but those vehicles could transport six big-assed adults, not like today’s “full-sized, 5-passenger sedans.” Those vehicles can carry five, alright…but the only way it would be comfortable is if the passengers were five of the seven dwarfs (two of the dwarfs had to stay home because they were in a timeout). I’ve lived in smaller towns than the interior of a 1955 Cadillac or a 1950 Hudson Hornet.

Some of you may remember the old-time circuses that invariably had a tiny little car that would somehow hold half-a-dozen clowns, who one-by-one would be spewed out the door like lava from Mt. Pele when the vehicle stopped in the center ring. That’s just about what today’s compact cars look like when the stated capacity of five exits their ride. God help us if some out-sized passenger leaves the rear seat and BACKS out of the car. We’re talking about bed-wetting nightmares for years for those cursed individuals who were unfortunate enough to have witnessed such an event.



Even full-size cars are questionable. Look at today’s garages and then look at some of the vehicles that were around before the 70s. A good example would be a 1966 Oldsmobile station wagon (pictured above). It would be tough to “squeeze this behemoth into a hangar that holds the Good Year Blimp but at one time cars of this size were actually accommodated in most home garages.

Just looking at the size of these monsters answers the age-old question of what was the criterion used to determine the size for Nimitz-class aircraft carriers.

I was at an automotive event recently where one of the bragging points was the fact that rear seat leg room was 40 inches. There’s more than 40 inches of leg room at every position of a B-52 and the BUFF is the most cramped aircraft in the arsenal. As I recall, the rear-seat leg room of a 1953 Buick was somewhere in the neighborhood of 125 feet (although I could be wrong; my memory fails me at times).

The classification of motor vehicles so intrigued me that I did some clandestine work to try to learn exactly who is responsible for determining the labeling of today’s vehicles. It wasn’t an easy assignment because the identity of the individual is as closely guarded as the formula for Coca-Cola.

But I didn’t spend 17 years at the CIA, slogging around the swamps and deserts of this planet of ours interrogating bad guys and not be able to get the answers I was looking for. (Full discloser: I never spent 17 years at the CIA. I never spent 17 seconds there, either.) And do you know who we should lynch for these size ratings? None other than Lieutenant Dan of Forrest Gump fame. Apparently being a severely-wounded veteran and having a brother-in-law who is a higher-up in the government got him the position.

When one thinks that a car like a Cadillac, though considerably smaller than its ancestry, is still listed as a full-sized luxury car I wonder what the technical description of a little pissant like the Smart car is? Anything come to mind, Gulliver?