DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

One of the most important elements of a vehicle — hands down — is the horn. Oh, sure, things like seat belts, disk brakes, stability control and the like save lives…but a horn is the true extension of the driver.

Throughout automotive history horns have evolved as much as the vehicles themselves. Early models were attached outside the driver’s side door and operated by squeezing the rubber bulb. Then came the infamous “ooga” horns of the Model T. Next came steering wheel horn rings. There were even horns that were operated by squeezing the steering wheel itself.

Cleverer yet, some were even located by pushing in the turn signal arm. (But, since lots of miscreants choose not to use their turn signals they probably thought they’d purchased a vehicle that didn’t come equipped with a horn.) Then came the best position for a horn – smack dab in the middle of the wheel. Depending on the situation and the driver’s blood pressure the horn could be activated by slamming a fist onto the horn button. But wait…there’s less…

With the advent of airbags the horn button became more difficult to operate. Not that pushing an object requires a PhD in Physics…but because of the structure of the airbag mechanism it can no longer be activated by simply pressing the center pod of the steering wheel. Sometimes it requires either a lot of pressure…or a lucky strike…or both.

This doesn’t do you a lot of good when some butthole surfer is drifting into your lane and you want to honk your horn to warn him. By the time you could hear the delicious tones of a honk this guy could have already bonded with your car…in the truest sense of the word.

There is some real estate in the vicinity of the steering wheel that would make an ideal place for a horn mechanism. I don’t know how many people truly like – or even use shift paddles that so many manufacturers seem to get wild-eyed about, but, as I learned to say in Mrs. Bowman’s English class in high school, “I ain’t one of ‘em.” I’ve always felt if you want to shift gears so badly you should buy a manual transmission. If you do, I guarantee the manufacturer will provide you with a free clutch. But…I digress (whatever that means).

A horn button should be located underneath both sides of the wheel, where the shift paddles are now found. This will accommodate the needs of left-handers or right-handers. (By the way…why are lefties referred to as “South Paws?”) This will allow immediate use of this wonderful vehicular appliance to ward off intruders veering towards your lane, the sickly whose minds shut down at stop lights and need a reminder to jumpstart their brains or, if you’re feeling jocular, want to scare a pedestrian walking in front of your vehicle (six extra points if it’s an elderly person using a walker).

I’m of the belief that the most important parts of a vehicle are (not necessarily in this order): keys, seats, doors, powertrains, seat belts, TURN SIGNALS, an AM-radio that only brings in talk stations, cup holder…and a HORN!!!!!

Other than possibly a Yoo Hoo and a bag of Cheetos a person doesn’t need much else. So think of this tome as a message to all you vehicle manufacturers out there…if you insist on designing safety into a vehicle at least don’t assign a secondary position to the most important component of personal transportation – the often-maligned but historically-necessary horn.

Let me paraphrase a line from the famous 1956 song Transfusion by Nervous Norvus, “Out of my way, man, I drive with my horn.”