Turn off that radio ... I want entertainment!!

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

It doesn’t take a South African Code Cracker to determine from my previous columns that I spend a lot of time behind the wheel, and a lot more time behind that wheel listening to the radio (forget calling them things like “car stereos” or “audio systems;” they’re radios, okay?!), and most of that time the radio is tuned in to a news station.


I’d rather not disclose the name of the station so I’ll just use a euphemism and call it “Coyote News.” However, the fact that what I listen to is fair and balanced literally has nothing to do with what this column is about (at least not this time). Rather, the bane of my hatred on this topic is two-fold and can be heard on dozens, if not hundreds of competitive stations. The first gripe is the ubiquitous practice of repeating phone numbers.

Not that many years ago it was common to have the phone number of the advertised product announced only once. Often times there would be a catchy phrase that the phone numbers would spell out making it easier for the listener to remember the number.

For instant, the Iowa Pork Producers Council (I’m making all this up but as I’ve often been told, I give good examples) may have a toll-free number of 800/328-7675, which when spelled out reads 800/EAT-PORK. Or for those expecting something from me that’s over the top, how about a number from a lending company with the number 800/727-3933, or 800/SCREWED?

Then the advertisers began to repeat the numbers twice, which if I had to dress up in my “honesty wardrobe” was annoying enough yet understandable. But shortly thereafter came the tsunami of phone numbers. It started with three, and sometimes became four and one I recently heard one with five repeats of the phone number – with the last repetition equaling the decibel numbers of a 90,000-pound thrust GE engine off a Boeing 747-8.

If I remember the lessons of a marketing professor in college who said constant repetition is necessary for the intended demographic to remember a number then whatever this joker’s name was (I drank heavily in those days and couldn’t remember if I was being taught by Professor Nutty or the Nutty Professor) entirely wrong. I have even played a game with myself  where I would drive one mile after the commercial ended and see if I could recall the phone number. Very seldom am I able to do so.

And what does this have to do with an automotive rant? A lot you paid attention, Mr. Rogers. I alluded to audio systems found in today’s vehicles. Some run into the thousands of dollars in extra cost; and for what?

In many cases the vehicle may have a world-class audio system installed but because it’s a less-than-luxury vehicle the sound-proofing is not that good and America’s highways being in the shape they’re in, road noise of that type vehicle is capable of blocking out the best of them.

And if one is driving a six-figure luxury vehicle with a 4-5 figure dollar amount for its upgraded audio package then the only pain besides the cost will be hearing those same annoying phone number announcements through a hundred speakers with 10,341-watts of power and a supersonic woofer and a subsonic tweety-pie or whatever those other audiophile words are. It’s enough to make you want to listen to the entire album of “Roseanne Barr Sings Patriotic Songs.”

My second complaint is, I’m sure, shared by many, and that’s the disclaimers that either legally or aggravationally are inserted at the end of many commercials. Sometimes the commentator reads them so quickly that I have to double-check to ensure I’m not watching Storage Wars and Dan the auctioneer is rattling off the narrative.

I realize there’s only so many seconds in a commercial ad buy but for God’s sake, at least edit it down or have less commercial so people may be able to get a few words about what’s being told to them. This also lends credence to my belief about paying thousands of dollars for an audio system and having to sit through claptrap like that.

I know what you’re thinking: “Al, you’re a bright guy with an unlimited supply of creative ideas; what do you recommend that will free us of this phenomenon?” Nice of you to ask. There’s a perfectly-easy way to avoid the two scenarios I’ve presented and save a ton of money in the process.

Being a hard, but poor-working journalist I’m current up on all the latest technology trends. What I would suggest is this: when you buy a new car just accept it with the standard audio system — even if it’s just the basic AM/FM variety. In the meantime, buy a Sony Walkman tape player and a good set of earphones. Both can be purchased cheaply at such bastions of entertainment products like Montgomery Ward’s, E. J. Korvette’s or even Media Play. For less than $20 you can have both.

Put on your earphones, plug the Walkman into the jack and select one of your favorite tapes and hit the “Play” button. If you want to hear it again you’ve merely to rewind it. It’s like magic…and you won’t have to listen to someone saying, “Call 1-800-765-4321; that’s 1-800-765-4321; 1-800-765-4321; again, 1-800-765-4321.

Operators are standing by.” And then the capper, “Blablablablablablablablablablablablablablabla.”