DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

This may come as a shock to many of you but there are a lot of things that make me angry. Those who have followed my columns for the last several years have only read a small pittance of events that tend to drive me up a wall — everything from failure of drivers to use turn signals to poking along on a freeway’s left lane and leaving a trail of cars that resemble photos of contrails from a mission of B-17s on their way to ruin the mood of residents living in German neighborhoods.

However, there’s one particular type of (what’s another word for “bastard?”) who doesn’t get enough negative exposure; I’m of course referring to someone who flies through an intersection after the stoplight has turned solidly red.

You’ve all seen them “flying their missions.” You’ve been patiently (or impatiently) waiting for your light to turn green, soaking up the swinging sounds of a Glen Miller recording on your eight-track tape, when you start to pull forward to proceed on your journey.

But what’s that crossing before your eyes? It’s a rusted-out 1989 Mercury Sable, the driver totally oblivious to the fact that their light turned red 10 or more seconds previously. It’s no doubt the driver is some punk with a cell phone plastered against his or her ear while listening to the latest mumbo-jumbo from Funkmaster Roscoe or one of those other rap wizards at a decibel level above 120.

If I were listening to an audio system with that kind of noise I’d have to immerse my head into the nacelle of a DC-8’s screaming JT-3D engine to try to get my hearing back.

But, I digress. Chances are this miscreant will make it through because others are driving defensively and will take measures to avoid a collision. However, there’s always the possibility that a driver who starts taking advantage of his right to proceed is in the middle of the intersection when all of a sudden, BAM!!!!! This poor guy’s vehicle is caught in the crosshairs of the “music critic/mass communicator who is bored by changes of colors like green, yellow and red.

In an ideal world the only one who would be injured, and hopefully “put to sleep” is the person who drove through the red light because they were preoccupied with other facets of their pathetic life.

However, as we all know, life is far from perfect so more times than not, the offending S.O.B. would get away without a scratch, while the innocent parties he or she hit will not only have their vehicles possibly destroyed but face massive bodily harm and/or lights out. Even more pathetic is if some innocent children and/or infants are seriously or fatally harmed because of the low-life who caused the crash.

If it were any member of my family — and especially my twin-grandboys who were harmed by someone like I’ve described I would call in every marker I might have as a six-time Congressional Medal of Honor recipient (I may be exaggerating here a bit but you get my drift) and receive a dispensation to yank the offender from his or her vehicle, beat them across the back of the head with a sledge hammer and put a double-barreled shotgun on a line with their eyeballs and pull the trigger convincingly.

By causing the harm they did they’ve lost their passport to live in society and would be nothing but a perpetual drain on the goodness of a nation, thus negating any kind of longevity to their lives beyond the time it takes to kill them at the same intersection the accident occurred.

I see no difference in injuries caused by a drunk driver — one of THE worst viruses to prowl our roads — than that of a distracted driver whose incompetency causes great bodily harm or worse to others. And if you for some reason think I’m only being dramatic for the sake of writing this column, guess again, Mr. Ed. Put yourself in the shoes of others who lose loved ones or the quality of life of their loved ones (or even themselves) because of the misdeeds of a soulless sot like I’ve described.

I’m sure I’m not alone in my thoughts so my advice to any driver — especially some immature punk — is this: be observant and keep your eyes on the road; the life you save will probably be your own.