DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

I was reading the recent edition of Consumer Reports and as it turned out it was their annual car issue. In it was a sidebar of features they love and loathe. Among those they hated was something I hadn’t realized I hated as well until I read it; “car audio systems without knobs for volume and tuning.”

As most of you know I spend my weeks reviewing cars and trucks so you’ll have an independent opinion on them if you happen to either be in the market for one, or merely would like to hopefully read something entertaining in the bathroom. Like anything else done on a repetitive basis I sometimes forget what kind of vehicle I’m in and where things are placed until like the trained monkey I am I hit my stride.

The first thing I do when I enter a new vehicle is adjust the seats and mirrors. Then, to more important things; I set the radio stations to those I want to listen to. This usually consists of setting both Howard Stern channels if the vehicle has a SiriusXM radio and/or a national cable news station (I’d rather not mention which one, but as a hint it’s named after an animal you do not want in your hen house), music from the 50s, 60s and 70s and then a couple of comedy stations (usually replete with funny hillbillies).

If the audio system doesn’t have satellite radio the first thing I do is take out the tire iron and smash out the windows of the vehicle and then flatten all the tires. (Just wanted to see if you’re paying attention.)

Some manufacturers really make it easy to go to stations over 100 numbers away without having to take a vacation day to do so. If the system has a tuning knob the chore is a snap. A few pulsations of the wrist and you’re either there…or in the vicinity. HOWEVER…some manufacturers — and you know who you are — think it’s chic do away with unsightly, protruding knobs and have a rectangular or square bar with “up and down” arrows.

My buddy Chuck Washburn responded quicker than those bars do…and Chuck died in 1962! Sometimes it actually takes a second or three for the audio system to realize someone is asking it to perform a chore. When it finally does realize it’s being summoned it starts a slow process of advancement until it realizes that it might have a long trip ahead of it so after what seems like a picnic’s worth of time it speeds up. And just like trying to stop an automatic gas pump at a round amount the chances are you’re going to overrun the desired station number and have to backtrack to land on it.

Look, ma, no knobs!

Think you’re in the clear now, Clarence? Guess again. Sometimes, even though you land on the station you want to, there might be another button to push to lock in location. Otherwise you’re going back to “Go” and the only thing you’ll collect is a pain in your ass. I can certainly understand styling, even though I personally am a journalistic Columbo. But styling at the expense of convenience isn’t a win-win for the consumer.

If the manufacturers want to fancy-ass up their vehicles interiors, that’s fine. But at least maybe they can make the tuning knobs triangular or some other kind of “lar” so that they are aesthetically-pleasing but functional at the same time.

Before you think you’ve escaped my wrath, Mr. Volume Control, you haven’t. It seems that whenever there’s a bar or shape as opposed to an actual knob used for volume control I’m always a half-octave off. I’ve always found it much more accurate to set and hold volume using a knob.

When things were simple — and easy!

Just while I’ve been crafting this column I’ve thought of other things I hate (besides my ex-wife) and now have the material for several more features you’ll have to wait for from week-to-week. I once had a very dear friend tell me that my day doesn’t officially begin until I can find somebody or something to hate. What he doesn’t know is that I fall asleep counting things I hate. I find it so much more soothing than counting sheep (and a lot less messy).

And finally, if you’ll chant after me, “We want knobs! We want knobs! We want Knobs!...”