DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour     

I’m always hearing how “simple” life was in the “good old days.” I wonder if it really was or it just seems that way because most people are not big on change. Take car colors. When we were young, virile and carefree there were choices…and the descriptions made sense. There was always a red, black, white, blue and green.

Along the way other colors had their day but they always carried a name people could easily relate to, like yellow, purple or brown. However, as designers became weirder (I’ll be honest with you…whenever I’m around one of these people I sometimes wish I were carrying a weapon) their names for things — particular auto paint — went over the top.

(Al alert: The colors I’ll be using for examples are not necessarily real names but they illustrate the ridiculous means auto manufacturers and paint companies will go through to make their hues sound exotic and intriguing.)

Fast forward a couple of decades and now what do we have? We don’t just have silver…we have Scottish Silver Metallic Ice. There’s no such thing as a black metallic; we have Tuxedo Black. There’s no such thing as a flat, white paint anymore. Nope…now we have Snowman Arctic Ivory. Want another one? How about a blue? The best I can do is Cote d’Azure Twinkling Bric-a-Brac. Do you know what this is, People? It’s the pigment equivalent of calling a garbage man a “sanitation engineer,” or a housewife a “domestic technician.”

I’ve written about one of my peeves before and that is when manufacturers charge extra for paint…and list it separately on the Monroney label (the new car price sheets that’s usually taped inside one of the rear-seat widows).

Challenger's "Plum Crazy"

Historically it’s been the Europeans who do that but lately I’ve noticed some domestic car companies doing the same thing. (What’s next…not using deodorant?)

As I’ve indicated before, don’t appear to be nickeling and diming the customer of a $120,000 automobile by listing “Greenie Stickum Cap Environmental Sorghum Paint — $675.”

When you go into a dealership to order your vehicle the salesman has a color chart for you to view. However, sometimes there may be two different reds, greens, what have you. Instead of selecting either a candy apple red or a fire engine red you now have to either order a “Menses Clearcoat Cramponella Metallic or a Bullet Wound Colt .45 Enamel.

Not so fast, Michelangelo…you’re not done yet. You also have four or so interior colors to select from and you have to make sure you pick the right one that goes with your external color selection. For instance, only someone from Central-, or Southern Arkansas would order a Menses Red vehicle with a “Raton Grey Leather-Stitched Dung Beetle-hide” interior.

For all that’s holy in Disneyland, would you manufacturers at least try to ease up on the pressures we’re under just to get by? Bring back singular color names. As a concession I can be comfortable with the addition of necessarily-descriptive words like “metallic” or “enamel” or something equally vital. But do away with those obtuse paint names and save them for one of your Merlot and Brie get-togethers. Even if I were a quadruple amputee I could count on one hand the number of times somebody has asked me what the actual name was of the blue car I was driving.

Do all of us a favor. The next time you’re looking for an unusual description for something go to the Indiana Dunes State Park, pay for an entrance ticket (but don’t forget the receipt), lay your blanket on the sand…and walk north.

No, you won’t drown in Lake Michigan; rather, your lungs will be “Liquid-filled CO² Deprived Silver Plate Damp Tone Wave.”