DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

Maybe it’s because I grew up in Indiana that it takes so little to amuse me, I don’t know. Ever since I was a small child I can remember the encouragement I received from my family when they would individually and collectively inform me that I was not your average idiot.

It took a college degree and several decades in the workforce before I was able to fully understand the cruelty behind their words. But by then they were mostly all dead so I figured “Who’s the idiot now?”

I know what you’re thinking, “Al, where is this going?” Well, Clyde, I’ll tell you. It’s because of my simple self that I am totally enamored with police car chases when they occur on television. Granted, most of them take place in warmer climates, like those found in the west. After all, there’s no point in trying to outrun a police pursuit when you’re driving in a complete winter whiteout on icy pavement.

Even I know that. I watch a lot of television. I’ve somehow convinced my wife that because I work at home my television is my “background office noise.” While workers away from home may have their own gang of regulars they see every day, mine consist of my own list of “co-workers” like Michael Strahan, Kelly Ripa, Shepherd Smith and that evil bastard Victor on “Young and the Restless.” But, I digress.

It seems that several times per month while I glued to whatever I’m watching on the tube…er….I mean when I’m in the midst of working…my regularly-scheduled show is interrupted so that the station can follow breaking news of a car chase in Van Nuys, California. Next thing you know there’s the scene of about 519 helicopters circling several hundred feet above a Yugo or an older Suzuki that’s being pursued by about 2,233 police cruisers.

The reasons for the chase are varied; anything from fleeing a gas station without paying, stealing the vehicle that he’s driving, an expired license plate, pick one. Bottom line is, I’m enraptured by the maneuverings of this vehicle that sometimes serpentines its way through subdivisions, the wrong way on a one-way street, weaving in and out of traffic on the freeway, etc.

You know, and I know, that at the end of the day this driver isn’t going to be at his home, popping the cap off a Bud Light and watching himself on the news. Truth be told he’ll be having dinner on the county at the lockup and as the lights go off on the cell block he probably is being romanced by various members of the Crips and the Bloods.

Let’s not forget the fact that innocent lives are being jeopardized by the actions of this nutcase who thinks he’ll eventually be able to outrun the police. (Alright, I won’t.) But aren’t those chases actually the modern day equivalent of the posse chasing a bank robber in Kansas during the early-1800s? Except unlike those things that we watch in western movies and television shows, 6,000-7,000 bullets are not being expended from the posse at the fleeing robber, with each cartridge missing its target.

In a car chase the police seldom fire weapons at the fleeing vehicle, lest they accidently cap some school kids dealing Three-Card Monte in an alley somewhere. Never one to deprive law enforcement of the tools they need to maintain our statutes I think that should the opportunity arise during one of those chases, and a police helicopter has singled out the vehicle in an area that’s totally devoid of people, the chopper pilot should be given the option of firing a Hellfire missile right up the kazoo of the vehicle transporting the miscreant.

This would save the taxpayers of the various municipality’s loads of hard-earned tax dollars from the avoidance of a trial, paying for the defense if the lawbreaker can’t afford an attorney, end the police chase NOW and probably serve as a deterrent to those contemplating such a thing in the future. The explosion and ultimate destruction of the vehicle and the barbecuing of the body should be shown in slow motion at every traffic school in the country. It should also be shown in Driver’s Ed classes and also go viral on You Tube.

The taking of lives is unfortunately an every-day occurrence. Just think of any George Romero movie like Dawn of the Dead. Those damned Zombies have NO appreciation for the value of another human being. Giving our police forces the power to take out those who would inflict harm on innocents is the American way. What good is technology if it isn’t applied for the betterment of mankind?

And what would happen, you ask, to my entertainment if eventually car chases become a rare occurrence? Don’t’ cry for me, Argentina. There’s always reruns of Chelsea Lately I can catch on Comcast on Demand.