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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour

The other day I was reading People Magazine. I often broaden my celebrity horizons with either People, or check up on the latest visits and impregnations by space aliens in the Star when I’m in the checkout lane at Kroger’s.


In an interview with some actress they asked her what her pet peeve was and she said, “People who take all day to cross the street, making me wait for them, when it’s ME who has the green light.” “WOW,” I said out loud and told my wife that I was just given the gift of a topic for another diatribe.

In other words, I’m now at the point where I’m feeding off other people’s hatred. But…just like my old high school track coach Idi Amin did when he won the presidency of Uganda in a closely-contested race (he barely squeaked by with a 99% plurality), I claimed it for myself.

How many times have you been waiting patient/impatiently for your red light to turn green but you have to wait some more until one person, or worse, several people saunter to the other side of the street, ambling like they have nothing to do, and all day to do it in? In the case of gangs, especially punk kids, they’ll hold a get-together in the middle of the boulevard rather than take it to the other curb.

Meantime, already-irked drivers are forced to wait, waste their expensive gasoline by having to let their cars idle, and in some instances wind up losing the green light entirely because those (what’s another phrase for insensitive bastards?) took so long to cross. Unfortunately for those miscreants, I’ve been subjected to almost a month of reruns of my favorite television shows and have such pent-up rage that the only way I can calm down is dream up some punishment that is so horrific that it will bring a smile to my revengeful face.

Some of my suggested “re-education” will be age and/or physical conditioned. For instance, if some poor person slowly pushing a walker or obviously in need of crutches is having a tough time and delaying traffic, that person is off-limits; same with a handicapped individual. Any other drivers being nasty to those unfortunate wretches will have my two best friends – Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson – to deal with. I have no qualms about shooting to kill anyone who is bullying or discourteous to a person with a physical affliction.

And God help them if they treat a child that way. For them I’ll tie their hands and feet, put them on top of an 80mm mortar and shove a shell between their legs so that when the tube ejects the it they’re going to get an instant reading of what their temperature is. But…I digress.

If someone is obviously messing with vehicle operators and purposely stalling to ruin their (or my) day then there is only one solution available; stand up through the vehicle’s sunroof (or moonroof if you are a vampire) and throw some Ebola-tipped darts at him (or her). Eventually, after a few outbreaks of this virus, word will get around as to what started it (probably on the front page of the aforementioned Star) and this kind of pedestrian-tomfoolery will be a thing of the past. (By the way…just who WAS this Tom who is the patron saint of foolery?) This would be especially effective on a group of unruly teenagers. Maybe some of them who feel it’s cool to wear their pants a foot or more below their rear-ends will be struck there by some of the darts. Poetic justice you say? So do I.

For a group of shoppers who are only thinking of their next destination and use the middle of the street for their think tank, I don’t advocate the same degree of cruelty I do for those punk teenagers. For this batch I think tossing a few cherry bombs or even flash-bang grenades will have a lasting effect on their conduct from that point on.

May I also suggest to people like I’m describing that they give some consideration to what could possibly happen to them if they continue the same behavior in the future. I’m advocating my “warnings” to these people from the safety of a rational, sane person.

Imagine what would happen to some of those same people if some nut decides he’s had it with them. I’m an award-winning humanitarian and have been so since I was a child and beat my younger brother within an inch of his life before he presented me with my certificate. Think of others instead of just yourselves.

My suggestions will benefit you; flat-lined monitors won’t. They can be interpreted to read, “I told you so.”