Move it, Move it, Move it

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour      

Some time ago I wrote a rant about people who die at stoplights. Not literally, but by that I mean when the light turns green their reactions turn catatonic. At the time I wished sick, depraved and quite frankly, disturbing forms of punishment for those sitting there unmoving, thus taking away a few precious and possibly productive seconds of my life.


I’ve since matured and as a result, consider myself a better and more Christian of a person — even though I had my Bar Mitzvah at the age of 13 like every other “good” Jewish lad (even in the state of Indiana, where Jews seemed to be rarer than an honest politician).

Now I look back at what I wished would happen to those people…AND AM CONCERNED BY HOW SIMPLE MY WISHES WERE!!!

Some things do change, however, and I don’t mean how much I want to see a rabid sea gull swoop in the window of a car driven by somebody who just sits there and ceases to react when the light turns green in his or her favor, and thus have their eyes pecked out. Nor how much I’d love to see a construction crane break loose from its base and topple itself onto the roof of the stationary vehicle.

What I’ve really become aware of is what actually is the cause of some drivers lacking the will to cause their vehicle’s acceleration when they have the right of way at a signaled intersection. When I wrote the previous rant on this subject I received a lot of “controversial” replies. (Editor’s note: one man’s controversial reply is another man’s hate mail.)

Some people replied to my lack of patience and understanding that some people might be hesitant to quickly pull out into an intersection when there exists the real possibility that someone could be speeding through it coming from the side trying to beat the impending red light. Makes sense, Wally Cleaver, but why wait for the entire cycle of the light before proceeding forward, thus ensuring that nobody behind this person will make it through this time?

Same with a vehicle making a left-hand turn and refusing to pull forward so at least more than one car will be guaranteed the opportunity to proceed during one light cycle than having to wait for at least one more. It’s during occasions like this that I wish I had 585 decibel horns mounted on my fenders to frighten the person ahead of me into consciousness.

The other main reason for this happening is the total distraction of people to their surroundings because they’re either reading their e-mail, Facebook, tweets, answering phone calls or communicating with some other type of device that keeps them in touch while keeping them out of touch.

Unnastand what I sayin’, Girlfriend? Just once during this scenario I’d like to see a rogue Special Forces Sergeant driving a stolen M1A2 Abrams Main Battle Tank careening down Century Boulevard T-Bone this “I-don’t-have-a-clue” bastard.

It’s obviously that during the resulting chaos from those who just witnessed this nauseating sight that every effort will be made to peel the few remains of this road kill from the tank treads to use as either evidence and/or coffin fodder. Because of this melee the Special Forces Sergeant will have the time to jump out of the Abrams and head for the woods and eventually the nearby forests and wilderness. Because of his training he’ll be able to live for years eating squirrels, rabbits, berries from trees and catching rain water like John Rambo and I used to when we escaped from the Confederate prison at Andersonville.

Find the person who caused the death of the poor schmuck sitting at a stoplight, minding his own business you say? What’s the operative word or phrase in this question? Correctomundo! “Minding his own business.” It’s not just his business he was minding; because of his inattention he was interfering with mine and everybody else who was waiting behind me while this jackass was “tweeting” or “peeping” or whatever the current jargon is. The Sergeant was clearly minding his business as well, and his was a mission from God.

Speaking of God, I’ve had many conversations with Him and he told me point blank that he has no patience for people who sit there at a stop light for whatever reason — concern for intersecting traffic, using their cell phones to text, stirring their coffee, abusing their kids or whathaveyou.

God once told me that he prays to Himself that someday people will stay alert and maintain the steady flow of traffic that He and his son had intended. He’s tired of having to damn everybody who causes a problem and I know that His son is sick and tired of hearing his name but never knowing why he’s being called.

Just like Sergeant Carter used to say to Gomer Pyle (or was it Captain Harris from the Police Academy movies?) …”Move it, Move it, Move it!!!”