DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

I seem to have a lot of time on my hands as evidenced by the nonsense I so easily write. I may have mentioned that when I sit down at my “piano” I literally have no idea what I’m going to write about. My modus operandi (or M.O. as you followers of Dragnet would know it as) is to lean back in my chair, have an epiphany and clear as a bell my topic seems to drop into my lap from cloud nine.

This week’s piece is no exception. But it won’t be my usual vitriol directed at some driver who angered me. This one is actually quite deep for me. It’s about what it takes to create a market for an import automobile in the North American market. The answer is very simple; the only thing it takes is losing a war to the United States.

Case in point: the first real threats to American dominance in this continent were the Japanese. Just like their initial foray into electronics their first vehicles were somewhere between bad and disastrous. But just like romancing a school teacher, they did it over and over again until they got it right. Now, not only is this country flooded with more Japanese vehicles than springtime dandelions, but most of them were manufactured at various plants throughout the country — mainly in the South.

Prior to the Japanese there were the Germans — such as the iconic little Volkswagen Beetle. Other vehicles from the Fatherland made their way to our shores including Audis and Mercedes-Benz.

The current sweethearts of the rodeo are the cars from Korea. Just like Japanese cars struck fear into the very soul of our domestic auto industry, so, too, have the Korean vehicles given nervous B.O. to the Japanese. I realize turnabout is fair play but with the quality, design and pricing of Korean vehicles it’s almost like vehicular water boarding when Korean cars are put up against those from Japan.

At this stage of the game the Japanese cars have been beaten like rented mules by the Koreans. Now, it seems their sales are giving angst to the Europeans.

The next likely “attacks” will come from the Chinese and probably those cars from India. However, if I were to include them in this piece it would destroy my premise and shred the meaning of my headline so I’ll leave them out of this. I’m sure at some later point I can figure out some way to work them into either a scathing…or complimentary article. I’ll let them stew in their own curry until that time.

Alright, Francis, let’s get to the lug nuts and bolts of cloth of my findings. What do the Germans, Japanese and Koreans all have in common? (I’ll even give you a hint: B-29s, B-17s and F-86 Sabre Jets.) That’s right…we went to war with all of them (one of them twice) and basically soiled their collective underwear. And how did that work for them? Not so well in 1918, the 1940s and the 1950s.

But this is the 21st Century and they’re kicking ass and taking names. Something must have happened to their business acumen when atomic bombs, 500-pound incendiaries and waves of Marines coming on shore at Inchon were ruining their day. 

Want to see how your friend Al can wrap up a story like a Christmas present from Nordstrom’s? I’ve already mentioned that a high percentage of import cars (actually, European AND Asian) are built at their United States plants located in the south? What’s the operative word in that comment? That’s right, Raoul, the South. The South lost the war, too. But just like the North was once the industrial bastion of this country, the South has become the new automobile production powerhouse.

Years ago there was a Peter Sellers movie called “The Mouse That Roared.” It was about a poor country that needed a way to bring in money so they decided to declare war on the United States and then immediately sue for peace under a surrender clause and that way they’d receive financial aid from us for eternity. I have always been a conspiracist since I was a small child watching an after-school show called “Elmer the Elephant.”

Besides Elmer the host was a man named John Conrad. Elmer used to pull crap on Mr. Conrad that made stuff my own kids did to me seem like penance. The point being, Elmer was clever enough to put things in motion that seemed self-effacing and harmful but were actually engineered brilliantly to backfire on Mr. Conrad and make Elmer the habitual winner in all contests.

If this were the case with WWI, WWII and the Korean War then it’s a sure bet the populace wasn’t consulted because you aren’t going to find philanthropy from millions upon millions of citizens to perish so that their nation can someday have a strong automobile industry. Nor would the various nations’ leadership have been prescient enough to foresee the future as it is now compared to the rubble of 1945 at Ground Zero. 

But being a student of history (yeah, like that’s an apt description of me), based on my assumptions I predict that the next wave of vehicle competition after China and India will not be Russian, Brazil or even or even the Fiji Islands. It will be Iran, Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. I can’t remember who said the following so I’ll just attribute it to my friend, Russ:

“Those who ignore history are certain to repeat it.” This phrase is really profound if you’ve had a dozen Dos Equis. Think about this and remember, “Stay thirsty, my friends.”