DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

Lots of things irk me. If they didn’t I wouldn’t have this column and you wouldn’t be wasting precious minutes reading it. However, there are various degrees of irk and as regular readers know, failure to use turn signals rests at the top…and will probably never be usurped.

A close second are people who are stopped at an intersection, driveway, what have you, who decide they’ve waited long enough and pull into your lane and assume the molasses position.

It seems to be happening more and more and I’m getting sick of it. It’s annoying and dangerous. Case in point, you’re driving on a local highway thinking to yourself, “Do, do, do, do, do, do…life been good to me.” You notice a Grand Marquis with one of those creepy vinyl roofs a few blocks up the street, apparently waiting for you to pass so he/she can pull out and enter the road.

A quick glance of the rearview mirror tells me there’s no traffic at all behind me. However, what does this “highway terrorist” decide to do? You’ve got it, Amos…he pulls out in front of me and accelerates to a neck-snapping speed of about 25 (in a 45)…and that’s all she wrote. This person (and that description is generous as well as literarily acceptable) could have waited another 15-18 seconds and then had the entire road to himself to wallow his street whale in without causing anyone else problems.

If this insensitive jerk's idea is to commit suicide he’s not going to do it on my watch and drag me into his own private Hell. If he’s unsure of what he should be doing and feels in his own mind that he has to make a “snap” decision then he should either wait…or just die right there. However, if his chief goal is to tick me off…then my hat is off to you, sir. You’ve accomplished what you set out to do.

In a similar vein there’s another sort of driver — this time mostly geographical — who deserves to be included in the upper tiers of Bastardom. As auto journalists we spend a lot of hours, miles and skill driving twisty and sometimes precarious mountain roads. A generally-accepted practice is for slower vehicles to move off to the right as much as possible when there’s the slightest opportunity for others to pass without risking their lives going around blind corners.

It’s a courtesy that almost always receives a gratified wave. Truckers are usually the best of this bunch because they know what the score is. However, occasionally we’ll encounter either a rookie or just a prick who figures the road is his and the rest of the conga line behind him be damned. No matter how many opportunities there are for him to move over and let some vehicles behind him pass he doesn’t…or won’t take advantage of them. Short of referring this driver to a urologist there’s not much that can be done about it. But that doesn’t let the miscreant off the hook from facing an imaginary “enforcer” I’ve created in my mind.

I have dreamed up what is the “Patron Saint of Screwed-over Drivers.” It’s a Puffin — normally a lovely, docile bird that usually brings smiles to peoples’ faces when they happen to see one. However, the Enforcer Puffin is so mean that just looking into his eyes can cause death to those who have caused angst to their fellow travelers.

Could this be the 'Enforcer Puffin?'

Contrary to popular belief, Puffins can fly, and can fly at speeds between 40-50 miles per hour. The Enforcer Puffin flies above the mountain roads looking for a backup of traffic. When he finds the congestion he observes the lead vehicle for some amount of time, clocking his speed and driving characteristics (hey…I told you it was imaginary…this is my story). If the EP (the Enforcer’s nickname) determines that the trailing vehicles shouldn’t be penalized by the insensitivity of the lead then he does what all Enforcer Puffins do…he swoops down and batters the side of the offender’s vehicle until the driver loses control and his vehicle careens down a mountain. (Does the driver die? I don’t know because that’s the purview of the EMT Puffins and they’re not part of this story.) This instantly opens up the road, allowing others to be on their way. The EP wishes them all “Godspeed” and flies to the next congested spot.

The point is, life is short enough as it is and none of us know how much of it we have left. Why should we waste some of it behind someone who has nothing to do…and all day to do it in? And for you Flatlanders who think that the only Enforcer Puffins are found in the mountains, there’s another kind of creature who prowls over country roads looking for traffic backups caused by slow-moving farmers or old people.

Few, if any have ever seen this thing but he has “agents” in millions of locations. Think those bird are sitting on wires just because they’re tired or engaged in an “insect klatch” with their colleagues? God help you if they report back to the boss that you’re holding up lives because of your own selfishness. Be courteous and show some concern for those drivers behind you.

After all, the life you save may be your own.