It’s snowing! The world is coming to an end!

Tags:
DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour           
 
This is the time of year when peoples’ spirits are perhaps at their best — that period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. For all the hustle and bustle there still doesn’t seem to be the angst there usually is when times are just ordinarily busy.
 
However, for all the frivolity that’s prevalent during these too-few weeks there’s also a period of stress, when one little thing could rotate the earth on a different axis and we’re liable to find ourselves headed towards Uranus. I’m of course referring to the infamous first snow of the season, and the resultant breakout of steering wheel Alzheimer’s.
 
It doesn’t matter if there’s a 16th of an inch of snow or 6 ½ feet; it seems that nobody remembers how to drive from one winter to the next. Where people once took a curve at 50 mph, because of the snow they’ll take the same turn at 27 mph – and pump the brakes repeatedly during that same turn.
 
Three months later, even with a 6-inch snowfall, the same people will take that curve at 55 mph. I don’t know what it is about that first snowfall but if you’re in a hurry, like going to the hospital because of an impending stroke, count on dying because not only is nobody going to drive the speed limit no matter how slight the obstacle is, on general principle they’re not going to get out of your way so you can pass.
 
Are the red lights atop your vehicle swirling like a tornado in the Kalahari? Tough! You just heard on the radio that black ice has been detected a few hundred miles north? Wholly mackerel, you’d better slow that mother down to below 15 mph. After all, you are on a freeway and everybody knows that an 18-wheeler could go sliding and careen into your like-new Plymouth Duster. Driving amid wimps during the first snow is what the first day in Afghanistan must be like for a seasoned Sergeant put in charge of rookie troops.
 
Everything I’ve described above is actually Part II of an annual tragedy; the first half being the very first snowfall of the year itself. As soon as a weatherman (or weather babe - I don’t want to be sexist) sees on a map there’s a chance of some precipitation within the next week the calls go out to the Red Cross, National Guard, 4th Marine Recon Squad and the Coast Guard Auxiliary to shore up our defenses against what is sure to be the “storm of the century.” It happens every year — “THE STORM OF THE CENTURY!!!” There are hour-long specials on killer snowstorms we’ve had throughout history including film footage of the great blizzard of 60 Million BC when there was so much snowfall that it wiped out the entire Brontosaurus population in 15 minutes. With the first snowstorm of each succeeding year the monumental snowfall — sometimes measuring 4inhes — would generally wipe out an entire species.
 
Ratings for the Weather Channel are six-times what they normally are. Every major daily newspaper in the hemisphere carries some kind of headline like “HUGE SNOWSTORM HEADED OUR WAY. CITIZENS URGED TO BOOK AMTRAK TO FLORIDA.” At the same time, Discount Tire is making a fortune selling snow tires and people are lined up for 15-20 miles waiting to get their own set so they won’t get stuck trying to get home in time to watch “Dancing With The Stars.”
 
To be quite honest there’s very little difference between driving on snow than driving through rain, and people don’t go apoplectic (whatever that means) over having to drive on wet roads. If anything, wet roads seem to bring out the worst in people but at least they aren’t poking along at 50 miles under a 55 mph speed limit.
 
Let me suggest this to all you candy-asses who are spooked by the weather; if you’re on an interstate highway find an 18-wheeler doing the speed limit and snuggle up at a safe distance behind his rear bumper. There’s very little chance of him losing control no matter what kind of weather is attacking you — first and foremost he’s a professional and probably has millions of safe-driving miles in his logbook.
 
Secondly, he’s going to know what you’re doing back there and it isn’t looking for a mate. Most truckers welcome the opportunity to help skittish motorists. If this still doesn’t appeal to you then invest in a bus pass and stand out there alongside a pole and wait a few hours for the bus to arrive. In that case the only one you’re holding up is yourself.
 
Of course your solution may be to stock up on frozen pizzas and other dinners to last you the winter and when the spring thaws get here around April you can venture on out again and start driving on what will then be wet roads. Remember, the prospect of a Category 5 tornado doesn’t faze you; dozens of lightning strikes per minute don’t bother you; and neither does soccer ball-sized sleet But when it comes to that first ¼” blizzard of the season, all bets are off.