Hold on there, cowboy

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DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

During the early days of my career I started traveling a lot to the West Coast, primarily to California. Besides the consistently warm weather and the excitement of being part of the state’s fantastically beautiful environment there were always two things I would look forward to: one was the spotting of so many vanity license plates that seemed to be unique to the Golden State. The other was right turns on red. What a concept!


There’s no traffic coming and instead of sitting in the driver’s seat of your car completely stopped for minutes at a time with your thumb symbolically taking your temperature, you can turn right if it’s safe to do so, even though the traffic light is still red.

Add it up, Euclid: in the course of even a 24-hour day, how man man-/woman-hours are saved through the progressive use of right-turn on red?

To satisfy my own curiosity I mulled over this question while eating a large Dairy Queen chocolate cone. However, the numbers became too cumbersome so I called a friend of mine who does covert work at one of the “Alphabet factories” of the government and posed this question to him. Since he had access to a Cray SuperComputer he said he’d get right back to me. True to his word he did and the finding was this: “Lots.”    

At the time I was living in the Chicago area. I don’t remember exactly what year a “Right Turn on Red” bill was passed and enacted in Illinois but it was like going from a covered wagon to the Concorde. Traffic flow moved swiftly and smoothly and all seemed right with the world.

However, it was during this age of euphoria that I began to notice “No Right Turn on Red” signs pop up, many at places where the chances of encountering cross-traffic was about on par with finding a “Unicorn Crossing” sign. It was the classic stereotype of “Give the politicians a fur coat and a little authority and they think they own the place.”

As time went on the cacophony of ludicrous placement of these signs seemed to wane and common sense prevailed. Once again, all seemed to be right with the world.

But wait…there’s more, seemingly for the good, which I won’t argue with. Larger “No Turn on Red” signs began to appear at intersections that made sense. Some cases were caused by a vision blockage that prevented accurate sighting of cross-traffic. Others sprang up because the amount of cross-traffic was generally so plentiful that most times during the day it would be dangerous to offer a legal right turn on a red light.

However, just like our heavy concentration of nuclear weapons testing in the Pacific unleashed such unbridled fury from creatures like Godzilla, Mothra and Rodan, so, too, has “No Right Turn on Red” signs created their own monsters.

I’m not talking about horrific things that emit fire and death from all their various bodily orifices. But I AM talking about something just as evil; No Right Turn on Red Scofflaws. They’re everywhere. There you are, sitting at a stop light waiting for the light to change so you can turn right…BECAUSE THERE’S A POSTED “NO TURN ON RED” SIGN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!

Technically a violation of this posted ordinance would result in a ticket and a fairly hefty fine (unless you live in a “Laws are King” state like Texas, where you’d no doubt be put to death for this misdeed). All of a sudden the vehicle to your right (assuming you’re on a street that has two lanes that can make turns) decides the hell with the sign; nothing’s coming and I’m going. I know what you’re thinking, “Al, where is a policeman when you need one?” Precisely!!!

This person will probably never have to pay for his violation of society’s mores. Furthermore, this lawbreaker will no doubt be waiting at the next stop light as you approach, having gained NOTHING for his legal defiance except saving a few seconds of hang time.

I put a violator of “No Turn on Red” signs in the same category as driver’s who don’t use turn signals, slow drivers who insist on using the left lane and people who smoke in cars that have children riding with them. They should be done away with in the swiftest and most heinous terms.

Violation of basic traffic laws is only the first step in what will eventually cause pre-meditated murder in the first degree. Only through strict enforcement will these future mass killers be shortstopped.

Granted, there are probably no right (or left) turns on the road to Hell, but strict adherence to mandated instructions like “No Turn on Red” will allow those in compliance to travel a more northerly route.