DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour     

For most of my life I’ve been a gadget freak. Truth be told I have no idea how most of it works but just like selecting software for my computer my criterion is simple — if it’s pretty I’ll use it. Fortunately, most of the major business software (Word, Excel, etc.) fits this category so I don’t have to worry about adapting to some program that was written in Bujumbura. The same concept goes for clocks — particularly auto clocks — the only difference being how to achieve the display.

For many years some of these clocks actually had to be wound up just like wristwatches of that era. The next phase was clocks that were powered by the vehicle’s batteries. Not very effective but at least detectives had some idea of the time of death when they’d find a frozen body in an abandoned Buick.

Then came the advent of digital readouts. Since there was no second hand — sweeping or otherwise — the assumption was that the time displayed must be tied in with the world clock…wherever that one is. Digital car clocks and digital wristwatches also went hand-in-hand. It was really a hoot to look at the display on your dash and have the time instantly shown. No more saying, “It’s about…” However, there was one major flaw at the time; no two manufacturers had digital clocks that could be reset the same way.

I have often driven between Detroit and Chicago. The half-way point between the two cities was Kalamazoo. I would play my own little game by seeing if I could figure out how to adjust the clock before I reached it. It’s not that I’m dumb, which I am, and it’s not that I’m technologically-ignorant, which I am, it’s just that some systems were so complicated that even if Euclid the great mathematician were to take a sabbatical from wherever he spends his days and come back for a driving trip of America he’d have no idea what time it was because even he would have a challenge changing time settings.

Some systems involved turning off the radio and finding the right knob to push (don’t read too much into this) and then coordinating it with the right button or other knob to push or turn at the same time to enable the unit to be changed.

Setting the clock in the
2011 Suzuki SX4 is as
simple as pressing H or M

I guarantee you that Captain Hook would have had to have Mr. Smee set the time for him or else face being right or wrong six months out of the year. A few systems had AM or PM factored in so there was that choice to be dealt with as well.

Being as quickly reactive to public pressure as it has proven to be it only took the auto industry several decades to simplify the process by generally putting in an “H” and “M” button next to the clocks. (Guess they had my friend Frank in mind when they redesigned this because he’s from Ohio and you know simple they are there.)

Some companies even had “forward" and "backward” buttons so if someone went a minute or two over they didn’t have to go through 12, or 24 hours of retrying to hit the number on the head. This appeared to be the problem solver the driving public was praying for. But wait, there’s more!

Far from being the end-all of the time-setting dilemma a whole new set of challenges awaited. More and more vehicles are being ordered with navigation systems that are so detailed that you could have found Timothy McVeigh’s cabin in the woods. The only thing is, however, the clocks are generally controlled by the combination Nav/Audio/Climate systems.

To figure this mess out without reading the manuals (I’ve heard of these manuals, what are they?), the bar would have to be raised and the Michigan/Indiana state line would be the new finishing line for figuring out how to come up with the correct time-changing sequence. (This would “buy” another 60 miles or about 45-50 minutes longer duration.) Think the auto industry couldn’t come up with a solution for this? Think again, Norman.

Do you know what some of the higher-end vehicles like Infiniti and Lincoln did to eradicate this? Why, they installed analog clocks and called them “jeweled time pieces” or some other such moniker. How many weeks of meetings and millions of dollars in research and development funds were expended to reach that discovery?

My suggestion is this: if your situation is as I’ve described through this piece, and if you’re technical expertise is just below a Ticonderoga #2 pencil and a Goldenrod yellow-lined tablet, wear a watch if you need to instantly know what the time is. Or turn to an AM radio station because 4-6 times hourly they’ll tell you what the current time is. Or simply roll down the window at an intersection and ask the person in the vehicle next to yours what time it is. Only make sure you’re prepared to hear an answer like, “It’s time for you to get a watch,” or “Two freckles past the mole.”

I assure you that a few intersections of this kind of response will quickly turn you into a techo-nerd who can quickly and easily set the time on your own vehicle clock no matter how complicated it is.

That, my friend, is called “incentive.”