DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

Many people who drive down the road enjoy the experience and whenever possible glance at their surroundings, trying to take in Mother Nature’s creations. I say “many,” not all. Case in point: ME. When I drive down the road I’m thinking of things to hate so I can write about them later on and entertain…or tick off my readers.

Also, I’m looking for things that amuse me. And there’s a fairly common occurrence that really brings humor to my life. It's people who are driving former police cars but whose vehicles still look like they’re active police cars.

You see these cars all over the place. Almost all of them are Ford Crown Victorias. Some are still in the colors of their original jobs, like the blue of Michigan State Police or all black (and maybe white hoods) that so many municipalities use. Some still have spotlights that were so necessary when they “worked” for the police. But the bottom line is, sometimes it’s impossible to tell if one of these vehicles is still working or was bought as a used vehicle by a citizen. It’s this that causes the scenario.

How many times are you driving when all of a sudden the traffic flow ahead of you slows noticeably? There doesn’t seem to be any reason for it; it’s not rush hour, way down the road there doesn’t seem to be any backup and the weather is ideal. It’s then you notice at the head of the slowed-up line what looks like a police car.

What’s happening is then readily apparent; these chicken droppings think they were approaching a police car and knowing they were driving over the speed limit wanted to slow it down to “impress the nice officer.” However, once they look into the car and see the fat guy with a greasy, ripped undershirt and a four-day-old growth of beard and realize they’ve “been had” then all bets are off. There’s more gas flowing through those fuel injectors than oil coming out of the Persian Gulf.

What these “lab abiders” ought to realize is that they’re allowed at least 5-10 mph over the posted limit before a policeman is even going to give your car a second look. I live in Michigan and the standard speed limit on our freeways is “Posted Number + 20 mph.” Many times I’ve seen cars speeding past marked police cars that themselves are doing the speed limit. Another example of no respect for authority. But back to the faux police vehicles.

Years ago I was a mailman, or as I often referred to myself, a “federal agent.” I’d commute to work on the Tri State Tollway (when I lived in Illinois) and there was enough headroom inside my vehicle to wear my mailman hat. From the back I suspect it looked like a policeman’s hat because I’d notice cars roaring up to me and then inexplicably slow down and fall in behind me.

After I realized what their problem was I would sometimes speed up and then slow down, just to mess with them. I wish I would have had the hypertensive medicine franchise for that part of the Chicago area. It’s the same concept as these people being spooked by the “ghost of police vehicles past.”

Truth-be-told, the Crown Victoria is reaching the end of the line. Granted, there are hundreds of thousands still operating throughout the United States but with so many miles being put on them throughout their lifetime they’re about as tired as Venus Williams after playing a tennis match in Miami on August 18 at two in the afternoon with the temperature in the upper-90s and humidity at 100%.

So for those who are on the lookout for these dinosaurs they’ll have to get used to seeing other police cars. However, there’s nothing on the horizon that will scream out “cop car” like the old Crown Victoria. Its potential replacements, the Dodge Charger, Chevy Impala and/or Ford Taurus are heavily sold in black so distinguishing which ones might be police cars when there are no tell-tale light bars on their roofs will require some careful reconnoitering.

With the generation of causeway cowards spawned by the Ford Crown Victoria, future anthropologists may discover that mankind, at least the North American examples, evolved into an era of speed limit obeyers.