DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour    

When I sit down to write a column I have absolutely NO idea what it’s going to be about. I’ll look around for something that inspires me and use that as a starting point. Today is no different. I just turned off the Military Channel because ironically I can’t write when I have the radio or television on. My attention span is about as long as a gnat’s privates.

I was looking out the window and saw my favorite robin I’ve named Otto. He sits in a small bush outside my office window and for some reason is not spooked by my presence (which is more than I can say about the rest of my family). It was then that I noticed Otto crouched in a defacating position. THEN I knew I had my column topic — bird droppings.

Few things bring more pride than a freshly-washed car — especially if it’s new and painted in a vibrant color like red. Even black is distinctive when it’s clean. But I have two words that can ruin a beaming car owner’s day: sea gulls.

I’m only citing sea gulls because they represent the most annoying aspect of our feathered friends…POOP. And just where do they do their “business?” At a public restroom you say? Or maybe around the lake where they live? I can answer that by quoting my former barber Alfredo, who once wisely said, “Mr. Al…never crap where you eat…or you’re liable to eat crap.”

Obviously I cleaned it up because my columns are popular with children. But Alfredo’s point was…go to the bathroom anywhere except your own place. All I can say is I wish I had the Imodium concession in this area; I sure wouldn’t be dragging myself into this office to write my creepy columns. 

Apparently birds, especially sea gulls, like a challenge and that old adage about “It’s hard to hit a moving target” is a bigger load of crap than you’ll find on the seashore. In certain areas that are heavy with “flying dive bombers” When driving I have been pelted with so much bird dung that it sounded like hail being dropped on my windshield. Seriously!

This could only have been accomplished by a squadron of birds flying in close formation. What do they do, practice these runs at a bird-droppings range? I’ve dropped 51 500-pound bombs at the Dugway, Utah, bomb range from a B-52 and it never had the compressed firepower as bird crap that’s dropped in unison. Furthermore, I haven’t seen such precision even WITH the use of the famed Norden Bomb Sight.

I know what you’re thinking; what in Hades name does this have to do with a clean car? I’ll tell you, Jonathan Living Seagull. After a flock of birds that range from hummingbirds to Pterodactyls strafes an area there is no such thing as a clean car…especially mine. Pardon the pun but there went $8 down the toilet; in this case, the toilet being my automobile.

The oft-asked question is how does one fight this? After all, it’s just Nature’s calling. Well, I get Nature’s calling, too; sometimes several times a day, depending on how good the book is that I’m reading. And it’s time to fight poop with poop, my fellow Americans.

I don’t know how intelligent that average bird is but it must be pretty smart because for centuries they’ve been getting away with using anything below their anus as a toilet, be it a human head or a 1978 Buick. So let’s see if they get the message if we start retaliating in kind.

For instance, a reconnoiter of the seashore or even a walk through the woods would identify various feathered lodgings. Perhaps we should take some of our own “droppings” and spread cheer to THEIR nest and see how much THEY like it. A few dozen or more of these incidents and I can guarantee you they’ll be spreading the word from Maine to California. I don’t speak fluent bird…or even pigeon bird (again, pardon the pun) but it’s not going to be difficult to gauge the tone of conversation.

Finally, I’m not a conspiracist — sure I am but for the sake of argument, let’s pretend I’m not — but could there be some coalition between birds and car washes? Who stands to benefit from cars being soiled; the butcher, the baker or the candlestick maker? Of course not. It’s either the owner of a car wash or some enterprising kid who washes cars to make a few extra thousand per week. (And doesn’t this kid raise pigeons on his garage roof?) 

As a last resort I think we should think of this: the two wars we’ve been fighting for almost a decade are winding down and there’s going to be a LOT of surplus machine guns and hand grenades that are brought back from the battlefields. The weapons are already paid for and proficiency has to be maintained even though training is one of the more expensive items in the Pentagon budget.

You don’t have to be from my beloved home state of Indiana to figure out where I’m going with this.